Time Machine

I thought of doing this poem as a blog, but truth is I don't want to sit down right now and think out a whole blog.  I just had a thought that all my life I over analyze every decision which usually makes no decision.  Hence why I have a written book and still only a 1/3 typed!  But there are two decisions where I jumped without hesitation.  One proposing to my wife, because I just knew she was the one.  And the second was believe it or not quitting college to go the Cheese.  Granted it wasn't full blown college it was just one class of Psychology, but it was being taken on college campus.  So :P  Anyway I bring these two up because my heart told me, and also a little voice in my head kept telling me it was the right thing to do. As if I came back from the future and told myself what to do....

Time Machine....

If you had a time machine where would you go

Would go back to the past 

Or travel to the future

Would you go back to when you were a kid

Where the only the care in the world was what toy you would  play with next

Which snack tasted the best

Play with your friends everyday 

Sadly the ones you rarely see today

Stay outside until it got dark

And ignore your mom when she told when it was time to come inside

Being a ninja prowling the night

Saving the damsel in distress 

Flying like a superhero

Hitting the game winning homerun

And yes sometimes on special occasions

Wishing you were a princess

Depending who you were playing with

If you had a time machine where would you go

Would you go back to the past 

Or travel to the future

Would you go back to the teenage years

When you first started noticing the other sex

That awkward phase

Fear took precedence

Unsure how to act

Always worrying if you were cool enough

Not listening to your parents

Would you hug your uncle one last time

Go visit your Grandpa because you know he doesn't have that much time

Play ball with the dog you grew up with

Listen more to what your parents have told you

Because now you know they aren't full of it

Worrying more about yourself

Versus what others thought

 If you had a time machine where would you go

Would you go back to the past 

Or travel to the future

Would you go back to high school

Actually go to football games

Be a social nerd

Not work so much

Actually talk to girls

And date them

Not be afraid of them

Ask out every girl you even had a glimmer of affection for

Work hard

Study better

Play even more

Break a few rules

Screw being safe

Be you and screw everyone else

If you had a time machine where would you go

Would you go back to the past 

Or travel to the future

Would you go the future

See if your dream came true

Sold a billion books

Lived a life of luxury 

No longer worked

But instead lived

Finally able to be yourself

Smiling

Laughing 

Loving every moment

Demons have been silenced

Monsters have been tamed

Feeling truly happy

Finally being the hero you were born to be

If you had a time machine where would you go

Would you go back to the past 

Or travel to the future

I wouldn't 

Because then I wouldn't be the man I am today

Or become the hero I will be.

Buried Alive

There's no one around

No other footprints but my own

Being erased by the fast falling snow

No animals
No bugs

No birds flying overhead

Even the angels that are usually by my side

Have backed off

Only me

Then I hear the screams

Crunching of snow

The assault on the white blanket

Scarping wood against the dirt

As I drag this coffin through the snow

Banging and beating

Begging to be let out

The dented crooked nails 

Protruding from the top

Each effort of whatever is trapped inside

Desperate to escape

Is blocked by these tiny steel spikes

And wooden grave

The wind is a soft breeze

Bringing snowflakes to my cheek

Heavy shovel in one hand

No gloves

I want to remember this day

Pain helps me remember 

Scars make me never forget

Walk to the middle of the trees

There's an opening

A perfect place for its final resting spot

I drop the coffin

Making an impression on the snow

A silhouette of the crime I have committed

Pulling the knife out from its hiding spot

Blood stains all over the metal

Hoping the snow doesn't tarnish its beauty

I place the knife on the coffin

Daring for whatever is inside to grab it

More pounding on the coffin

Desperately reaching for something to exact their revenge

On me

Knowing they are unable to 

I do what the world has done to me 

I laugh

And start to dig

5 feet till the ground

It's hard to get away with murder

I dig for hours

Not shoveling fast enough

The falling snow covering the hole

Determination takes over

Adrenaline takes charge

The hole is dug

10 feet deep

Sweat pours down

Freezing to ever crevice on my face

 Tears stream down

It had to be done

The banging has stopped

The snow has stopped

Mother Nature knows there's no way of stopping me

Finally cooperates

Then the screams

The whispers start again

Invading the silence

The peace

I kick the cofffin

SHUT UP!

They don't listen

SHUT THE FUCK UP!

They don't listen

Just get louder

I grab the knife

Rip off the nails

Pry open the lid

Revealing emptiness

My skeletons are no longer there

The demons have escaped

They were never in there

Only in my head

That's where they always have been

No escape

Trapped in my own mind

Handcuffed by fear

Shackled by failure

Branded by fuck ups

And mistakes

I finally surrender

I place the coffin in the hole

Throw the knife in the woods

Snow starts to fall

Erasing any evidence I was even here

As if she knows her true role in this day

Snowing harder
Faster

Deeper

It's time

 I climb into the coffin

Close the lid

No more demons whispering

No more skeletons screaming

Only silence

Peaceful

The only sound in the snow hitting the coffin

Burying me

Accepting my fate

As one final whisper escapes my lips

I'm sorry....

Santa Exists....

Santa Exists...

There is nothing more tragic

When we grow older we stop believing in magic

For whatever reason or cause

We start denying the existence of the Tooth Fairy, Easter Bunny, and Santa Claus

Three magical creatures that loved us no matter our flaws

Even though they defined so many reality laws

Wiggling away from evil intention's claws

Trying so hard to be good and not give in to our inner outlaws

Finally the truth is revealed to us and a part of our life goes on pause

Losing the Christmas spirit from adults to teen

Knowing it doesn't matter if you are nice or if you are mean

Realizing the holidays mean we are surrounded by store's over advertising of red and green

A fat old man puts on a red suit on and is everywhere to be seen

Fearing miracles only happen when we dream

And if you hear another fricking Christmas song you will curse and scream

Then love comes along and in magic we start to believe

Finding out the magic in life was only  hiding and never did leave

Kids come into our lives and we see why our parents choose to deceive

Children singing off-key Christmas song after Christmas song

Parents using the jolly old elf as lesson to teach right from wrong

Making parents pray their children's behavior could be the good all year long

Seeing the twinkle the we thought was lost in our children's eyes

As they talk about the man on Christmas Eve night flies the skies

Christmases full of memories and happy cries

Forgiving your parents for the years and years full of lies

Feeling the spark become brighter and stronger in our selves

While we get our kids wishes and hide them on our closet shelves

We are the reindeer.  We are the elves.

We are the man who flies down the chimney chute

The jolly happy soul in the big red suit

Carrying a bag full of goodies and dream fulfilling loot

Dolls that say mama, balls that bounce, and trains that go toot

Parents eating whats left out whether it be milk, cookies, vegetables, or fruit

Best part is there are no footprints in the living room caused by soot

The reasons why Christmas is magical can fill many lists

Doing good deeds that no one admits

Is how we make the Christmas magic always persists

With love in our heart, yes, Santa exists...

Soldier on!

Soldier On!

Crappy day after crappy day

Seems to be His not so subtle way

Of showing the blinded there must be a change

Some find it mean and others strange

We seem to forget God gives His strongest soldier that toughest mission

Never taking time to ourselves to close our eyes and open our ears and listen

Everyone of your friends and family cheering on you

Believing you can take on the world when you are unable to

Constantly running up hill after hill

Exerting so much energy and yet still standing still

You're done running now you have mountains to climb

Not enough light in the day and never enough time

Life doing nothing but kicking you in the a...

Praying the darkest hardest days would end and not last

Opening your mouth to let out a profanity filled scream

Stuck in a nightmare unable to wake from this horrible dream

Drowning in deep water barely wading

Surrounded by blood thirsty sharks watching your faith slowly fading

Feeling the jaws latch onto your dangling feet

Waiting to devour you when you give in to fear and defeat

When this is all happening you must forget one thing

Have faith and strength He will bring

Even if it feels the final shred of hope is gone

It will get better and we MUST SOLDIER ON!

Crazy....

Crazy

People say I'm crazy

Bordering on the edge of insanity

I'm okay with not being ordinary

Living a life that can only be described as legendary

Being a true superhero with no secret identity 

Every thought and dream about breaking into the writing industry

Refusing to slow down and be called lazy

Proving everyday you can fly without a cape just watch the sky and see

Only saying yes and offering to help when all the others flee

My words and thoughts are fueled by music and coffee

Never half ass anything always giving it my all

Always getting back up whenever I fall

Yelling at my demons that I'm ready to brawl

Now understanding that you must always take that first step even if it's only a crawl

Constantly kicking down doors and climbing up any wall

Ears ready to listen and always ready to answer the call

Facing up to the ghosts of my mistakes and standing tall

Done backing down I went my enemies to bawl

When I'm done in this world a trophy case won't be enough I'll need a hall

Ready and willing to run when given the ball

If this is your idea of crazy I'm proud be to be called cray

Going down the difficult path and forgetting the easy way

People talk and to be honest I could care less what they say

Mind running a thousand miles an hour it doesn't know how to stay

Knowing I was born to never give up and save the day

Now the hunter no longer the prey

Coming to the conclusion that life is never black and white, it's gray

People constantly pulling at my strings when they find a fray

Watching my dreams conquer my nightmares whenever at night I lay

Soothing troubled souls and telling them it's gonna be okay

A fate worse that death is being damned to be sane

Proud to be the engineer of my own cuckoo train

Afraid of being labeled just plain

Not knowing what it is like to grow from the pain

Loving both the rainbow and the rain

So much to lose but so much more to gain

So many different voices begging to be let out of my brain

Holding the title of AWESOME and never giving up the reign

Will not let myself become just some speck or a stain

I'm proud to be crazy.

Happy to be a hero.

If I wasn't I wouldn't be Dane! 

Strangers

Strangers

Nameless faces

Coming from different places

Unknown mysterious eyes

Not knowing whether we are telling truths or lies

We are both mysteries until we say hi or wave

Trading names praying that our memory will save

Friends or enemies we will become

Only destiny and fate determine which one

Friendships grow throughout time

Both being each other partners in crime

Knowing when met God gave us both a sign

I was supposed to be your friend, and you mine

Sharing secrets and dreams no one else knows

Going places where no where else goes

Hoping we would friends through thick and thin

Refusing to believe that all good things must come to an end

Years go by and season have past

Our brief communication can barely last

We have both moved physically and spiritually apart

For some reason I knew this would happen from the start

We see each other down the line and say hey

We promise to stay in touch but it only seems to go one way

One us stops saying hello

When all we get in return is our own echo

Going on about our days slowly forgetting who we are

Who would of thought our friendship would drift so far

When out of the blue 

I get a phone call from you

It seems the only reason when you want to talk to me

Is when you need something and now I see

Letting a tear fall as I finally realize our cycle of friendship has come to an end

And we go back to being strangers once again

Jackpot!

A return to the superhero poetry.  No more clowns, for a while!  And starting next month is Operation Thanksgiving, and NaNoWriMo which means no poetry for November. Instead I get to write 50,000 words in one month!  Wish me luck!  Now a different kind of love poem...

Jackpot...

Every since I was growing up I wanted two things.

It wasn't fame, fortune, money, or various degrees of blings.

I wanted to save the world.

And get the girl.

Flipping through brilliantly drawn and brightly colored comic book pages.

Allows allowed my inner heroes to break out of their cages.

Always striking out in the beginning like Peter Parker.

Girls laughed in my face and made me feel like a loser.

Forming early on crushes on Gwen Stacey and Mary Jane.

Loving how Superman was always brought down to earth by Lois Lane.

Even though they were super heroes they are human too.

They have their inner demons, and victories like we all do.

Family and friends they would give their lives for.

Having complete fear and still kicking down the unknown door.

As I grew older it felt I would never find love.

Only going on dates when it came push and shove.

Got lost for too long in a crazy psycho.

She kept me trapped with no escape and nowhere to go.

Then a friendship became stronger it grew.

There was no control over what either of us could do.

We started off slow just like you said.

Even though I envisioned our lives in my head

From that first kiss against your car.

I knew in that moment that we would go far.

When our lips touched it felt like I was flying in the sky.

And there existed only the truth no more lies.

We went from Husband and Wife to Mom and Dad.

Had great days, bad days, happy days, and sad.

You bring out the Superman in me.

Given me the greatest power and great responsibility.

You have given me a cape with no need for a mask.

Knowing you will battle any villain standing by my side I don't even have to ask.

Looking at you I only have one thought.

Face it Tiger, I hit the jackpot...

Circus

And now the finale.  And since people asked where the music went I got  new music for ya too :D

Circus

Cold breeze on my face.

Freedom.

Children playing.

Laughing with joy.

Sun as bright as a ball of fire.

Smiles and laughter all around.

Telling jokes that make no sense.

It all seems fake.

A past I wish was the future.

The air is replaced by dampness.

Dust.

Dry blood, sweat, and tears.

Look down at my hands.

I see blood.

Scars of a knife.

Or two.

Trying to rub it off on my pants.

Not coming off.

Permanently stained as a reminder.

Of what I have done.

For which there is  no forgiveness for.

Hopeful playful eyes.

Blue, green, brown.

Full of life.

Are killed by dead lifeless eyes.  

Eyelids stained by makeup.

By blood.

Some mine.

Mostly theirs.

Tear that were cried.

Only a few mine. 

Mostly theirs.

While pleading for me to stop.

Lifeless eyes.

Blue.

Dead.

Brown.

Dead.

Green.

Dead.

Only lifeless eyes.

No longer able to see love.

No more pain or suffering.

I am jealous of these eyes.

They escaped Hell.

Why am I still a prisoner.

I wake up.

Only a dream.

Scratch that a nightmare.

Maybe it was all a dream.

Eyesight flooded with bright white artificial light.

Blinding light that bounces off the walls attacking my eyes.

Praying I'm in Heaven.

Hands dripping with invisible blood.

Blood that is no longer there.

But once was.

Pinching myself hoping to wake up again.

Realizing I've been in my own bed this whole time.

At home.

With love, hope, and a family.

Happiness.

Feeling nothing but a sharp sting of the pinch.

No still in Hell.

In my own nightmare.

I scream for help.

No words come out.

Only laughter.

I attempt to whisper.

Giggles escape from my lips.

Running out of options I pound on the door.

Trying to break it down.

A guard pops into the window.

Doesn't utter a single word.

He just stand there and smiles at me.

Leaving me standing there wondering what is behind his smile.

Not saying a word.

Just laughs.

There is so much evil in his laugh.

As if I'm the punchline of the joke. 

The guard stares at me.

Then leaves.

Whistling while walking away.

Not a normal song.

But carnival music.

The music that has scarred my mind.

Ever since it first pierced my eardrums.

I know why he smiled.

Having no choice a smile forms on my lips.

I know why he laughs.

Doing what I only know how to do now I laugh uncontrollably.

One of the punchlines.

Certainly not the last.

I surrender and walk back to my bed.

Whistling the same tune that haunts me.

Accepting the fact I'm just another clown.

In his demented circus. 

The Joke

Part 3: The Joke

Here I stand.

I feel the dirt under my big red shoes.

Spotlights aimed directly at me.

Making me sweat.

Droplets of perspiration temporarily blinding.

Attempting to ruin the makeup.

It doesn't run one bit.

Feeling an uncountable number of painted eyes staring at me.

Listening to them laugh.

Like I'm the punchline.

Of the joke.

Watching across from me there is another victim.

He has the same tell tale markings I have.

Bleach burned face.

Blood stained smile.

Curly knotted hair.

Evidence of trying to wipe away the makeup.

And just like me failed as well.

Confused and lost.

Unsure why he is here as well.

Hearing the same laughter.

Wonders the same thing.

Listening to them laughing.

Like he is the punchline.

Of the joke.

Clowns staring at their new victims.

Proud of their handiwork.

Betting on which one will join their circus.

They all can't stop smiling.

Some because they don't want to.

Others because they have no other choice but to.

All of them knowing you can't spell slaughter.

Without laughter.

Laughing without stopping.

Since they know the punchline.

Of the joke.

We both cross our arms in protest.

We both refuse to fight.

Unwilling to give into their demands.

Rejecting their request for blood lust.

Screaming together that we won't do this.

Knifes are thrown in the arena.

Pictures of family followed.

We both stand there.

Listening to them laugh,

As we understand the punchline.

Of the joke.

I pick up the knife.

The glass on the the frame of my family has has been shattered.

A shard has gone through my picture.

Symbolizing what must be done.

Knowing if I do not play along.

My family will pay the price.

Letting the carnival music invade my soul.

Destroying the tiniest bit of hope.

Praying for forgiveness.

I have no choice but to attack.

I smile.

He wonders whats beneath my smile.

I laugh.

He knows the evil behind my laugh.

The victim finally realizing.

With his dying breath.

That he is the punchline.

Of the joke.

Speak Now...

And now for a little something different.  I started writing a romantic comedy back in the day after my comic scripts no longer had an artist, and it felt like Defender/Super Mid Life was dead in the water.  I'm not sure if I started doing poetry again by this time, so I just had a bunch of few pages started here and there for ideas.  This was one of them and if people like it I might just finish it for the blog, and maybe publish later down the road.  So without further adua I give you, "Speak Now"

Here I am witnessing Jon and Maria's special day.  I wish I could tell you they are some of my closet friends, but the truth is I have never met them.  In fact I do not know a single person in the church.  I'm here for another reason.   I'm telling you this first, because if you saw me first doing what I'm about to do you would form a split second opinion of me.  You would drive down to your bookstore, and demand your money back.  Find out my personal contact information so you can call me personally and call me a jackass, a loser, a jerk, or my favorite insult a douche nozzle.  With my luck you would probably come up with better insults which I would then steal from you and use them in my own verbal warfare.  But like I said I was about to do something, and like everything in life there is a reason.  So if you will excuse me I have to go speak now because I'm tired of holding my peace.

Flash back, there I was standing up at the altar on one of those days that was supposed to be one of the best days of my life.  Standing next to the love of my life.  Looking in their eyes and dreaming of the future.  I see kids, a house, a picket fence, and even a little dog down the line.  No, I'm not the one dressed in lace and white, I'm the one in the tuxedo.  My name is Alex, but everyone calls me Lex.  My beautiful fiancee's name is Mariah.  Like I said I was staring into her eyes picturing our growing love, and our future with no clue as to what was about to happen.
       The preacher says, "Do you take Mariah to be your lawfully wedded wife, blah, blah, blah,blah..."  He didn't actually say the blah, blah, blah part, but it just pains me reliving this eye opening moment in my life.
      Like any soon to be husband whose mind is already on the wedding night I say I do not contemplating on how both of our lives just changed at that very moment.  As soon as I have sealed my fate the preacher turns to the congregation and announces the famous last words of my life, "If anybody objects of Natalie and Alex becoming husband and wife speak now, or forever hold your peace."
       I watch the crowd smiling like the dumb idiot I am, looking at all our friends and family, but than I spot an unfamiliar face in the crowd.  It was Jason, Mariah's trainer at her gym.  This guy is massive.  Short brown hair, and piercing blue eyes that makes all the woman swoon over him.  He stands up and I notice his biceps are the bigger than my arms, and his chiseled chest barely fits into the dress shirt he more than likely has duct taped in the back just so it could stay on.  Jason boastfully says the words that make my heart sink, "I object!  I love Mariah and will not stand idly by as she marries the wrong man."
       Before I could turn around ask Mariah what the hell this muscle headed juicer was saying, she was gone.  Into is arms.  Their lips interlocked in what was supposed to be my passionate kiss.  Everyone's eyes, even God's eyes could not look away from the continual stomping of my heart and love from my supposed love of my life.  They just stood there making out for a good five minutes, but to me it felt like eternity.  Once they finally realized what had just happened they both ran out the door, without that bitch even saying sorry.  Then all their eyes turned to me.
       I didn't feel anger at first, mostly embarrassment.  The only way to define how embarrassed I was, is to imagine overweight midget ninjas  repelling from the ceiling wielding plastic swords and rubber nun chucks.  Then the fat ninjas start kicking you in the nuts, and beating you till you cry with their childlike weapons.  All of this happening while your entire friends and family just watched, waiting for you to react, or fight back.  
That's a pretty accurate description of how I felt.
       I tried opening my mouth but no words came out.  In fact not a clear, coherent thought was in my brain.  Only a replay of what just happened kept playing over and over and over in my head.   On top of that I was standing in front of everyone I love trying desperately not to cry and stay strong.  My best man Dave was the first person to say anything to me.  He leaned in and said, "Dude you might want to close your mouth.  No words are coming out. Come on we will find a place to go and gather your thoughts".....


That's what I wrote years ago, but like I said if you enjoyed it please let me know.  I would love to finish it.  What goes on is basically Lex goes to weddings after weddings interuppting them during the "speak now" phase and tests the grooms or brides love for them.  There are lots of funny antics I have planned out for him and his friends and family.   So please don't be shy if you hate it let me know, and I'll go back to writing superhero novels and shark books for my kids.  If you loved it I would be more than happy to try my hand at writing a romantic comedy for the guys.  And if you didn't care either way, thanks for you time.

Ink in my veins

Ink in my veins...

Loving the scribbling of the pen to paper.

Thoughts racing.

Late nights up.

Too many questions.

Not enough answers.

Creativity boiling to the top.

Saying things with a pen.

The mouth is not brave enough to speak.

Dig deep for hidden meanings.

Disguising the pain.

Celebrate happiness.

Building inner strength.

Growing to become a better man.

Giving the voices deep within.

An outlet to escape.

Others sharing the same thoughts.

Unsure how to deal.

Or express.

Handing out comfort when is needed.

Advice masked through out the rhymes.

Physically where my body is.

Mentally elsewhere.

Never alone with the characters trapped in the mind.

Their pain is my pain.

Their loss is also mine.

When they feel love my heart beats for them.

When they are happy I have no choice but to smile.

Feeling a tinge of victory deep inside when the good guys win.

Never ending exorcising of demons.

Constantly haunted by the fear of the unknown.

Becoming both the hero and the villain within.

Always battling dragons.

With a notebook.

And a pen.

The dragon's fire singes the paper.

His claws cut deep.

Not a single drop of blood is shed from the cut.

The only thing that is spills.

Ink.

Inspire...

Look around you never know you inspire.

Little eyes watching you as you aim the bar higher.

Giving people the fuel they need for their own fire.

Providing strength when every where you look is dire.

Pushing someone off their ass when all they want to do is retire.

Showing the world one more person to admire.

The world daring us to stop when we know we must go.

Having so much to prove, and show.

Inspiring more people than we will ever know.

The inner fire always burning and will always glow.

Making people take notice and say one word, WHOA!

We are the results of everything we have been through.

The heroes little eyes need to look up to.

Doing all the good things we do.

The circle of inspiration starts with you.

Knowing that now, what are you going to do.

Behind his laugh

And now part 2....

I tug at the ropes.

They are tied tight.

No chance of escape.

No hope.

He walks over to a record player.

I hear a scratch of it beginning.

Can't help but flashback to the nights of my father playing music.
So loud.

So fun,

This was the opposite.

The circus music shakes me out of my daydream.

Shattering any happy thought I had at the moment.

He turns and looks at me and laughs.

So much evil is behind his laugh.

He walks over to a closet and opens it up.

I see rows and rows of heads holding brightly colored wigs.

Rainbows.

Red.

Bright green.

Orange.

I used to like the color orange.

Now not anymore.

He turns to me and eyes me up.

Takes the green wig off of the resting place.

Takes it over to me and places it on my head. 

Smiles at his accomplishment.

He laughs again.

So much evil behind his laugh.

He takes the wig off.

I feel the scratchy fake hair eating away at my skin.

He turns to the table and I look to see what is on there.

White makeup.

Big noses.

A pallet of a red liquid that is housing a brush.

And a ratted old looking bottle of superglue.

He picks up the superglue and opens it up.

Putting a healthy amount of it on the wig.

And places it back on my head.

I feel it bonding to my skin.

Having no way to stop it.

I have no choice but to cry.

He laughs again.

So much evil behind his laugh,

Grabbing the white makeup he starts to cover my face.

White as a ghost.

Whiter than his.

I feel a slight burning,

Smelling a sanitized smell.

Looking in the corner I see and empty container of bleach.

The burning now makes sense.

I refuse to cry.

He has too many victories the way it is.

Tears start to form in my eyes.

The pain begging to be let out.

Demanding it doesn't.

He puts the sponge down and smiles as his handiwork.

He laughs again.

So much evil behind his laugh.

The brush of red comes next.

I can tell by the dripping of the brush that is is not paint.

Now the stains on his teeth make sense.

I cringe at what I imagine will happen next.

Brushing circles around my eyes.

The warm liquid soothing the bleached pain.

Disgusted by what is happening.

He looks at me and smiles.

Points at me too.

I refuse.

The knife is picked up.

Motioning me to smile again.

I smile as big as I can.

He smiles back.

Approving of my smile I hope.

He laughs again.

So much evil behind his laugh.

He takes the brush of red dips it back into the container.

Red liquid dripping.

Body sickening.

He starts to brush a smile on my face.

It hits my lips.

And every fear I had of what it was.

Came true.

Wanting to fight.

Completely terrified to.

All hope is lost.

There is no escape.

He looks at his handiwork.

His brand new clown.

First he smiles.

Motioning me to smile back.

I fake it.

He laughs again.

So much evil behind his laugh.

Fail Forward

I tried my hardest.

Came up short once again.

Put everything in I have in me.

Once again the cards were not in my favor.

I didn't come in dead last.

I didn't come in first.

Either way.

I still failed.

I fell once again.

Got myself up.

Knocked the dust off.

Got back in there and tried again.

Learned from the mistakes I made.

Made it closer this time.

I can almost taste it.

Still come up short.

Either way.

I still failed.

I've learned all that I can.

Each failure making me stronger.

Each time coming up short.

Making me smarter.

Fine tuning what I needed tuned.

Ready to take it on again.

Put every ounce of my soul in.

Still come up short.

Either way.

I still tried.

This will be the time.

I can feel it.

You have to fail a thousand times.

In order to learn how to succeed.

Stronger than I ever was before.

Feeling the whole world behind.

Seeing the fear in my opponents eyes.

They know their time is up.

Lesson's will be applied.

Strength will be shown.

Each time I failed.

I grew.

Each time I failed.

I learned.

Each time I failed.

I grew stronger.

Each time I failed.

I failed in one direction.

I failed forward.

So eventually I know.

I will succeed!

Behind his smile

This is part one of my month long Halloween poem.  I am going for sick and twisted so if you want a happy poem please wait until November.  If you want a bone chilling, freak you the freak out, pee your pants in terror poem, I hope this works then.

I wake up there is only darkness.

Pull on my leg I feel a chain. 

The metal scraping against the ground.

No light is allowed in,

Am I in Hell.

Am I still alive.

All of a sudden screams make their way into the room.

Blood curdling screams.

Followed by laughter.

Hordes of maniacal laughter.

Where am I?

Desperately pull on the chain try to break free.

Can't.

There is nowhere to go.

No hope at all.

Footsteps coming.

Stopping at what I would guess is my door.

Key's jingling, 

The sound of a lock turning.

Light assaulting the pitch black of the room.

Blinded by the bright fluorescent.

Rub my eyes to get the spots out.

There I see him standing in the doorway.

Wondering what is behind his smile.

His painted white makeup is smeared down his face from sweat.

Multi-colored wig is all in knots.

Black apron with red stains all over it.

White gloved hands carrying a knife.

Looks at me with lifeless eyes. 

Laughs.

The same laugh I heard that followed the screams.

I do not give him the benefit of that.

WHO THE HELL ARE YOU

There is no answer.

Only a tilting of the head.

Eyeing me up.

Having no idea what is going on in his head.

Wondering what is behind his smile.

Pure evil is contained within in this dark creature.

His red lips smiling his pearly whites.

Stained with blood.

Not wanting to know why.

He walks over and goes towards the chain.

Unlocks my feet.

Shows me the knife.

Telling me without saying a word.

Don't fight,

I stand up.

Groggy from being in the darkness for so long.

I fall.

He laughs.

The only sound he makes is laughter.

Wondering what is behind his smile.

I try to get up again.

He gives me a glass of water.

I take a sip out of dying thirst.

Head starts to spin.

Seeing multiples of the same smile.

The same sadistic smile that drugged me.

He laughs again.

That is all he can do.

He grabs my feet.

Drags me out the door.

Having no fight in me.

I have no choice to go where he takes me.

Wondering what is behind his smile.

Being dragged down the hall I realize I am not alone.

Clowns everywhere.

Lining the halls.

Pointing at me.

Laughing at me.

Smiling at me.

So much evil in each and every one of them.

No longer men or women.

Only monsters.

Embodiments of true fear and terror. 

He picks me up with ease and throws me in a chair.

Ties me down.

Laughs at me.

Puts the knife down on the table.

And smiles.

This whole time wondering.

What is behind his smile.

Life....

Life...

We are born to live and then we die.

Trying to figure out one question in life, why?

We laugh, smile, become sad, and then cry.

Realizing every hello will become an inevitable goodbye.

Setting our goals unbelievably high.

Where results are made on how hard we try.

When we are done either going down below, or up to the sky.

We are the angels we display on the outside.

The demons and monsters we at all costs attempt to  hide.

Aiming for goals all the time, but shooting too wide.

What we do in our lives is how we will be judged when we have died.

Failure and success are as guaranteed as the shore being assaulted by the tide.

Love whoever has chosen to accompany you on this crazy ride.

Being tested constantly of our courage and our pride.

There is more to life than just work, we must not forget to play.

But who the hell am I to say.

We are our own persons at the end of the end of the day.

Choosing to live our lives in our own way.  

I wrote a book...

Before you start reading I thought I'd warn you, that yes this will be a blog about writing a book.  If you are tired of hearing me talk about it, you will probably not want to read this, but give it a chance.  There is a reason why I can't stop talking about it, and I am so proud of what I have done.

Ever since I was a kid I always wrote and had an active imagination.  Hell, I still do!  I would sit in front of my computer at 11:00 at night the night before any paper was due with only about three paragraphs written.  With my music blaring on one side Bon Jovi, Limp Bizkit and Eminem as I got older, and my mother on the other ear asking me why did I always wait for the last minute.  I now found out why.  Pressure brings out the greatest in all of us, don't believe me, ask a diamond what it was before it was tested.

I would complain the whole time and my mom would leave leaving me with my music and my words.  Two hours later I would have a five page report written and edited ready to turn in, and sometimes it even took less time than that.  My mom hated that, and envied that, and still talks about it to this day.  I still use that same model whenever I write.  Music and writing go hand in hand with me at least.  Always have and always will.

Flash forward to High School where my creative writing really took shape.  I wrote a story about a friend who was possessed by his best friend by wearing the same jacket (it was dark), my creative writing class which I loved where I really learned to express my emotions, and video tech.  Where we wrote, acted, and filmed our own videos that's when I realized I want to do something along those lines, so I went to ITT Tech and the itch got itchier.

During my time at ITT I dated my ex and was miserable inside and out, but I ignored all of those feelings, or I thought I did.  I started writing a book or screenplay called Confessions of A Teenage Boy who attempts suicide but fails.  He loses all of his memories and relearns about his life, and sees where he went wrong.  Once again a dark tale, and made my mom worry.  It made me worry too.  I never finished it, but I used the premise for my movie trailer I did.

The point is I have tons of unfinished products novel ideas, cartoon ideas, movie ideas, a quarter of a screenplay written (NFS Tech) which I still laugh at to this day, and four comic book scripts.  But not a one single finished product.  My wife said to me you have a lot of great ideas, but that is all they are, ideas.  And I stopped writing for a while.  Then my blog came about, and then the poetry came back.  And I found a reason to pick up a pen again. The ink was back.

I turned thirty and it was a rough year for me.  If you don't know I'm adopted, and I've always wondered why I was.  I know I am loved and raised by a wonderful family, and I couldn't be happier where I ended up.  But I could never shake the reason why.  Why was I given up on?  Who were the people who created me, but didn't want me?  So I made a plan to find out who my birth parents were for myself. as a present to myself.  I would drive by the health and welfare building everyday on the way to work and always tell myself tomorrow I will stop/  On my day off I will stop.  I will unravel this mystery.  But I never did.

I picked up my script again and started reading it.  Defender is about a boy who is adopted and beat up on the daily, and he finds out he is a superhero.  His birth dad is a superhero and his mom was a supervillian.  I had four scripts done, but no artist.  I re read them, and I a light bulb came on.  This is my story.  I adapted it a little and changed a little around here and there when making it into my novel.  Instead of him getting his powers at the age of eight, he get's them at the age of thirty.  He works at a chuck e cheese place, and is addicted to DB coffee.  Yes I'm Topher.  But they say you write about what you know and I've worked at CEC for ten years, and been a superhero for my whole life so what do you expect.

The story evolved into so much more.  It became written therapy.  I said things in this book which have been on my mind for way to long with no way to express them really.  What I have Topher ask his mother and father why he was given up are the exact words I would ask.  I cried after I wrote that part, and literally had to take a break.  The best thing about writing your own story in your own world is that you can give yourself the ending you want.  But I stopped writing for a while, and to be completely honest with you, unsure if I was going to pick it up again.

I would hide from my book in my poetry, blame life was being well life, or use any excuse in the book.  The truth is I wasn't ready to finish my book yet, because the shit had not hit the fan yet.  Over the last few years it has been harder and harder to accept the fact that I have failed having two degrees and being a manager at the Cheese.  I was not destined to be that kind of guy, and only a part of me knew that.  The last year has not been the same.  Too many great people have left, some no longer keep in touch, and too many things and people have changed.  And being F###ed over consistently is the greatest reason to pick up a pen again.  And I did.

I had to prove to the one person in the world who thought I would never finish my book.  That one person being me.  Everyone else thought I could do it, but a part of me knew it never would.  I knew deep down I couldn't look at my kids and tell them to go for them dreams, if I never did.  So I spent as much time as I could writing like a madmen.  Thinking like a madmen while at work.  Piecing each piece together one by one.  Until yes I got to write the words to be continued and finish my book.  Proving to the one person who thought I never would.  I F***ing did it!

This is not the end though.  I already have my next book planned out, and the next two in the SuperMidLife series, as well as a different kind of princess story.  I am never putting down my pen again, because I know God has putting ink in my blood and given me the gift of writing to share with the world ideas that they might have, but are to afraid or unsure how to express them.  So thank you for being there and supporting me when I wasn't able to do it for myself.  And know that this is not the end, but only the beginning.

Self destruct...

Self Destruct

The short fuse has been lit.

Day in and day out same bullshit.

Begging the world to say yes.

Always showing its worst when I only give my best.

What doesn't kill us only makes us strong.

We all tire of hearing that same old song.

People all around whispering, wondering if I'm going to lose it.

Truth is I'm closer than I want to admit.

Counting down from ten to one.

The countdown to explosion has once again begun.

Bystanders run from being affected by the impending boom.

Then come back running when shit goes flying across the room.

Tears and rage I bottle up and hide.

Keeping my true emotions deep inside.

Another phone call or text seems to always bring bad news.

Praying to win, but seem to always lose.

Trying so hard to squelch this rage.

With every word I write on this page.

Wishing I could just walk away.

While the world whispers, asking once again to save the day.

Knowing deep down it is what heroes always do.

They stay and fight for all that is true.

It's hit zero and I'm about to blow.

Damage all contained inside so nobody will know.

Close my eyes and think of my happy place.

Picturing each friend, and family loved one face.

Knowing in my heart I was born for so much more.

This is God's way of testing me and making me strong what He has in store.

The bomb has gone off and there is no fire or smoke.

Laugh and I smile and hide my pain with a joke.

Time ticking until the fuse it lit again.

Dreading it to begin and wishing it to end.

Family...

Family

Throughout our lives we meet people who bring out the best in us.

The ones who enrich us before we all are loading on the big blue bus.

Many of them the blood, name, or relation are the same.

Most of them we meet while playing along in the life game.

Your kid's friends fathers and mothers.

Becoming fellow sisters and brothers.

Teachers who teach children about 1,2,3 and A,B,C.

Hold a special place in the heart for me.

Coworkers and fellow managers become friends by the end of the day.

Even if it's against everything corporate has to say.

Constantly telling myself not to get to close because they always leave.

But I was always forget that and they do, and deep down I hide how much I truly do grieve.

They are the friends you meet back in college and high school.

Ones who always thought you were cool.

Also the ones who found out later on that didn't matter.

And further down the road the wall that separated you both help shatter.

All these people and so much many more I can always count on to lift.

Knowing they will always be there I help life the heavy...

The people that hold a special place in our heart.

That God has destined you to meet from the very start.

You are all more than friends you are a part of my family.

We all have a big or small step in building a stronger, better, smarter you and me.

From the deepest part of my soul and heart I wanted to say thank you.

And to the other members I have yet to meet welcome to the family and thank you too!