I've been told my "Equality" post was one of my best, and I think I know why. It's because I didn't pull any punches and I wrote from my heart and with emotion. So I thought I would try it again to see if I get the same results. As of right now I'm a blender full of emotions, and I thought I would attempt to channel all of them to write about inner demons and fear, and the role they play in my life, and possibly yours. In short I'm writing from the heart from here on out. So without a further ado, I give you inner demons and fear!
I've been told in the past they would love to spend a day with my brain, but I think it would drive others mad, hell it damn near drives me insane. We all have our inner demons and mine stay in my brain, and are extremely loud certain days, and then there are days where it seems they are exocrcised forever. Inner demons are different for every person, for me they are the little voice in the back of my head that continually tells me I'm going to fail, you can't lift that, you'll never amount to anything, etc. Inside my mind there is a constant never ending battle of good vs evil, and the days where I'm down is the days where evil wins. The voices take over and just don't shut up. They keep telling me I'm not good enough, you have to college degrees and your a manager at the Cheese, you'll never lose that weight you wanna lose, and it's on repeat for a whole day, and sometimes more. No matter how many times I bury a hole, take my demons and throw the down to the abyss, and throw away any nearby ladders, they always find a way to crawl back to the surface. The trick is you can't ignore them, because it takes energy to remember to ignore something, which in turn always makes it on your mind. If everyday I went around telling myself I am good enough to counteract the demons and to make them shut up, they have already won, because they have instilled doubt into me already, and that's all they need to do to stay around.
The trick about inner demons is to acknowledge them, because they aren't going anywhere and move on. This will enrage them because they know that you know they exist, but you're not doing a damn thing about them. Lately my inner demons have been very loud lately, because they are trying to sabotage me, and some days they succeed. But more days they don't do jack, because all I do is wave to them and give them the finger. They tell me I'm not good enough, but then I just think to myself about my friends and family and how many people love me, and I know the demons are full of it. They try telling me I'm failing at my career working at the Cheese, but then I say in a little over a year I'll hopefully be running my own store, and they tuck their tails and hide. Then the weight demon pokes his head up, a demon I've fought all my life ever since I learned the meaning of Husky pants the hard way, and wearing a sticker to school. The weight demons are the most hurtful, because they have taken on voices I have known in the past, of people I know and once called my friends telling me I was fat, and asking me where my top was when we went swimming. The most powerful inner demon is the one you can relate to actual people, but that's also it's downfall. I've accomplished a lot health wise in the last three years, and I am proud of my body, sure I don't have a rippling six pack, or giant biceps, but I like what I have done. Every time the weight demon starts to speak up, I walk up to a mirror, and roll up my sleeves, and that shuts him up real quick.
Like I said everyone's inner demons are different, and how we deal with them is entirely different. Some ignore them completely, some let them guide their life and blame what they do on them, some move towards other means to drown them out, and some just give in to them and let it ruin their life. My inner demons drive me to be a better person, and that pisses them off. I know everything they tell me on a daily basis are lies, and it eats them alive that I know that. Every time they tell me something to bring me down, I use it as fuel to accomplish what they tell me I can't. Which is a 100 times better than an exorcism.
First of all I wanted to give you a little preview of what's to come over the next few months and why, as well as try something new this time around by giving you a little soundtrack to listen to while reading. Every blog I have written has had music playing in my head or in the background, and it just reinforces my writing I think. So in this blog your about to read you'll be taking a deep look into how I view myself, but more importantly how others see me, which is drastically different then the way I see myself, until now. :) So thank you all to who contributed. I am going to take all your answers and put them on a paper in my wallet for whenever I feel like I'm not doing a thing is this world I can tell myself bullshit and look at who I am to others. Next blog coming is about inner demons and fear because I'm trying to keep with the Halloween theme. And yes there will be a mention of clowns, and probably more than once. Then the Halloween week there will be a short blog explaining Operation Thank You which I hope everyone partakes in, because it will open your eyes. I'm going to try to throw a blog in about friends, because I know a lot of people don't realize the power of having friends, and how lonely it is without them. And then I'll close out the year with a December 21st end of the world blog, but not in the way you think. But let's get to this one shall we.....
If you want to get into my mindset press play and please continue reading :)
Every morning I wake up and go the mirror and ask the man standing there staring back at me one question, who am I? Some mornings I have an answer, but more times he just stares back with no answer to give. The simple answers are a man, father, husband, and a manager, but being who I am I'm always wanting more. But with it being 6 o clock in the morning my brain just settles on the four answers and goes on with its day. Through out the day my mind just nags me and nags me asking me continually why I settle for those four easy answers, and I don't have a reason so I'm constantly at battle inside my own head. Yelling at myself internally why I keep settling for mediocrity, when I should strive for awesomeness! So I started telling myself I am awesome on a daily basis, because everyone in the world can tell you how great you are, but if YOU don't believe it yourself there's no way for you to believe its true. It doesn't stop there though, I then got the idea to ask others how they see me, and to say it was eye opening would be an understatement.
I got a lot of answers that involved my management at the Cheese, which I expected due to the fact that's where most of my friends come from! I was called the Cheese on the Pizza, CEC counselor, most understanding manager, and etc... The reason why I'm the kind of manager I am is because of one reason I promised myself to never forget what it's like to be a crew member. Without people to run anything you have nothing! You can have all the people in the world lined up, but if you don't have people there to help them, then you're beyond screwed. So I promised myself never to forget that we are all on the same team in the long run, and everyone who is there is there to support each other. I knew I was a good manager, but had no idea how good I was till others pointed it out. That is a very humbling experience. I can honestly tell you if I went back to the future to tell myself that you're going to work at the Cheese and love it I would of laughed at my future self. But being there has made me a better person, friend, manager, and a man, due to one fact, all the wonderful people I have met through there! So thank you from the bottom of my heart!
The two days that changed my life the most so far are the days my children were born, and if you're a parent you will completely agree. Soon as the first one came out and I looked down at Jaiden I knew being a father was one job I was destined to have. I strive everyday to be a man my son can call Hero to his friends at school, but more than likely it's my Dad works at Chuck E Cheese, or my dad leads scouts! Which is fine too because he uses the words "my Dad". But hopefully one day when my boys have to write an essay on their heroes, I'll at least be on the considered list. Because children follow example more often than advice! The other day that changed my life forever is when the twins were born, because now I had two boys, and one girl! A girl who would be destined to be Daddy's little girl and she knew it the first time she grabbed my finger and I melted. Being a parent is the greatest career in the world, you don't get paid in money, but instead you get paid in hand drawn pictures and cards. By the little hugs here and there, and the constant I love yous! Which are worth more to me than any amount in the world.
Another word that popped up multiple times in peoples answers were inspiration and role model, which are two titles I strive for everyday!!! We all need a little push from time to time, whether it be get to the gym, to start a project, smile a lil bit more, and the list could go on for days. I know the feeling to help people overcome issues, and it is one of the greatest feelings in the world. Helping someone without being asked is a trait I try to instill in my children everyday. In short the way I live my life is the way I want my children to grow up!! I want them not to follow in my footsteps I want them to walk along side me, and when they get to that point to run off as fast as they can on the right path of life. I see brief glimpses of that now in my children which means they are getting the hang of it early on. Which as a father makes me extremely proud. Inspiration is a never ending cycle as the picture can tell you. To be able to inspire you must first come inspired. Everyday I look for inspiration in everything I do from working at the Cheese, to being a Dad, to going to the Gym, to the store, being a friend, and being a human. I've been told my numerous people that they can come to for advice and talk to me about nearly and issue they are having, not just because I advice, but because more importantly I listen. My advice and inspiration all comes from my life, and realizing we all need inspiration and love in our lives. I've had some very high ups, and some real deep downs, but the only way the downs get better is by using those experiences to move on, and possibly help others. I came across a quote the other day, "God comforts the disturbed, and disturbs the comfortable". Which I believe is true! God gives us what he knows we can handle, plus a little more to test us. I think that's the real reason I had twins! He knew I could handle two kids, but since I love a challenge he tacked on another for shiggles! If you need a shoulder to cry on, someone to talk to, have a good time with, or someone to just stare at the wall in silence I will always be there! Because that's who I am!
In conclusion, I had no idea to the extent of who I am to some of the closest people to me! And now knowing the truth I have to step it up a notch, because I love a challenge! I'm going to be blogging more, working out more, working on becoming the best GM I can possibly be at the Cheese for the future, becoming a greater loving father and husband, and finish writing my book!!! This was a very eye opening experience to me, and if you want to know how others see you all you gotta do is ask, and I'm pretty sure they will let you know what you mean to them and how special you really are. If you do ask I'll tell you straight up who you are to me, because each person who reads this has a place in my heart. In short I'm a lot of things, things I knew who I was, and some I didn't! And I'm never changing who I am!!!!
As always have peace and love in your heart in whatever you do, and you will enjoy life!
