Alice
Chapter 1
Alice sat on her bed.
The clock changed to past 1:00 A.M. on her phone. She has no work tomorrow, but that wouldn’t
matter anyways. She hasn’t really slept
for over a few weeks now. Every night
the same. Staying up late watching
whatever garbage is on the TV, and at the same time scrolling through her
Facebook and Instagram. Pictures abound
of her friends getting married, having kids, just in general being happy. She knows that a picture only captures the
happiness of that moment, but she is beyond depressed at the moment. She doesn’t even have the glimpse of
happiness to post a simple selfie. She
comments on her friend’s pics, likes them, sends them love, all the things friends
do on each other social media’s pages.
Tears start to form in her eyes, she used to be happy a few weeks ago,
until the results came in.
It was three weeks ago, when
Alice’s whole life came crumbling down.
She wasn’t feeling well, and she was late, and she was worried. Michael was her boyfriend at the time and
they had been dating for 4 months, and everything was going so well. They were that happy couple all over social
media. The kind where the girl is
showered with monthly gifts, and weekly flowers. The kind of couple that most girls dream of,
and the boys fear they don’t end up in.
The keywords in those last few sentences are “was” and “at the time”,
because ever since that night he had never come back.
It was
a Tuesday and Alice just had to know what was going on. She feared the worst, that she was pregnant. She wasn’t ready for that and knew for a fact
that Michael wasn’t ready either. She
left work early and went to the store furthest from her home, so she wouldn’t
be recognized or questioned why she was buying pregnancy tests. She stood in front of the selection of
tests. So many choices. She looked at the prices and determined that
the cheapest ones were probably the worst, but would also feel horrible if she
spent a lot of money to confirm her fear.
She opted for the medium ranged priced one. Instead of one, she grabbed three. Just to make sure of the results. She grabbed them and ran towards the
self-checkout, because she was way to embarrassed to place those on the conveyor
belt and have a complete stranger judging her for being so young, and so careless
at the same time. She stood in line
fighting back tears, just numb to the situation at hand. Hiding her purchases from spying onlookers,
if you looked closely at her she almost looked like she was standing in line
contemplating shoplifting the items she was in line to pay for at the time.
When
she got home she had to get up the strength to go into the bathroom and pee on
that stick. The stick that has the power
to forever alter her life, and Michael’s as well. Since she knew for a fact that she wasn’t the
Virgin Mary and it takes to make a baby.
She said a prayer and went into the bathroom. Alice followed the directions and then just
sat on the toilet staring at her phone, watching time tick by which seemed for
hours. It was the longest 60 seconds of
her life. Then the results showed, and
then the tears formed. F$$#ing blue. She
was pregnant. Tears started to fall like
Niagra Falls, her life flashing before her eyes. All her dreams that she had started to fade
away and being replaced with her being a mom.
Alice wanted to be a mother, but in the future not NOW. She took the other two tests as well. They all showed the same result. She then got out her phone and texted Michael
the most dreaded text message, “Can you come over after work? We need to talk”, and hit send.
Michael
came over after work and she was just sitting on her couch with the three tests
mocking her on the coffee table. The
three results that had forever changed her life. Michael looked at Alice and saw she had been
crying. “Babe, what’s wrong?”, he asked.
Alice
unable to find the words just handed Michael the tests. He looked at her the tears starting to form
in her eyes once again, and the test. He
remembers seeing his sister’s test when she was pregnant with is nephew, and it
looked exactly like this. Alice was
pregnant, and she was pregnant with his child.
He knew they both weren’t ready for this. He didn’t say any words, he just placed the
test on the table, and left. Without
saying a word. Alice just sat on her
couch in complete shock feeling the definition of alone. She wasn’t being alone, she WAS alone. She IS alone.
Her phone vibrated. It was
Michael. “I need time to think” The next
day he was done thinking and said they were over. When he picked up his stuff they didn’t even
hug goodbye, in fact very few words were spoken between the two. She was angry and scared, but didn’t want to
show him that, and Michael was scared as well and hated himself for the way he
was reacting. He became the asshole guy that he hated, but he wasn’t ready to
be a dad. He took the selfish and coward
way out. Michael tried desperately to
muster up the courage to ask Alice if she was gong to keep the baby, but he
chickened out and only said “Goodbye”.
Those were the last words that Alice ever heard from Michael.
When
Michael left Alice knew what she was going to do, and she hated herself for
it. She wasn’t ready to be a mom, and
she didn’t tell any of her family or friends about what happened. She just told everyone that her and Michael
decided they weren’t right for each other and parted amicably. No hard feelings. Truth is she lied to everyone of their
faces. She felt nothing but pain. She drove to the clinic and broke down in the
parking lot. At that moment there is a
baby growing inside of her, but when she gets back it will no longer be there,
and the hardest thing is won’t tell anybody.
She might tell Michael about her decision, but she can figure that part
later, after her appointment. She wipes
her tears, and steps through the doors.
Looking around she sees a few single women, some with their what she
assumed their mothers, and very few with their significant others.
Alice
walked up to the receptionist and checked in, and sat down hoping to be too numb
to cry in front of these strangers who are in the same situation she is
in. Part of her wanted to scream at the
top of lungs and run out that door. But
she hid her pain, just like all the other girls sitting in that waiting
room. She zoned out and didn’t her name
being called out. The nurse came out,
“Alice.” A few seconds later.
“Alice.” A few more seconds passed. “Alice”, the nurse said one last time with a
little disdain in her voice. Alice stood
up reluctantly, and followed her through the doors. Saying goodbye and sorry at the same time to
the baby that was growing inside of her.
It only
took an hour, but if felt like eternity.
When she got back to her car, she cried some more. Not sure if it was tears of pain, or
relief. More than likely a strong
mixture of both. She hated herself for
thinking that. She felt selfish that she
was thinking sorry for herself, and not the child that she just corrected. The baby was a mistake, and women do this
every day. She shouldn’t feel sorry for
herself, or the baby. She wasn’t ready
to be mom, and the child is better off not coming into this world when she
isn’t ready to be a mom. At least that’s
what she kept repeating to herself out loud on the drive home. Trying to convince herself that she did the
right thing. If she did or didn’t, truth
is it’s too late if isn’t. That’s when
she pulls over to the nearest parking lot, and just cries in her car for over
an hour.
She got
home and texted Michael, “I didn’t keep it.”
Looking at the word it she becomes sickened with herself. Her baby wasn’t an it, it was a baby. She erased the word “IT” and wrote “the
baby”. And hit send. He never responded. And still hasn’t till this day.
She
still hasn’t unfriended him on Facebook so his stuff occasionally shows up on
her feed. He doesn’t have a new
girlfriend, but he can at least fake a smile, or who knows he might be
genuinely happy. She hated him for that. While she is sitting in her bed alone, crying
herself to sleep every night for the last few weeks, he has been out with the
boys. Like nothing happened. Like she doesn’t exist. Like he left his girlfriend with the most
difficult decision to make of her life, by herself. She hated him with her whole heart. She picked up the picture that still sat on
her night stand. It was of them sitting
on the beach. With her in his arms. He whispered to her that day that he loved
her and would never leave her. No matter what.
Alice now knew that was a load of BS.
She looked at it one last time, and threw it will all the pain and hurt
in her heart towards the wall. The frame
exploding on impact. Glass shattering
and flying everywhere in her room. She
wants to go clean up the mess, and barefoot.
So if she stepped on the glass she would fell the pain as the glass
shards went into her feet. Anything to
feel again. She turned over in her bed,
and cried herself to bed once again.
Just as she has for the last few weeks.
Like nothing has changed.
