Private Battles

 Just another fair warning this is a poem about depression. It is a raw honest look at this terrible disease that tears so many people apart, and has torn apart in the past.  There are prisoners, victims, and survivors.  And they are all three important.  If you are feeling down I recommend seeing someone and talking to a trusted friend or family member.  Remember that you are never alone, and there are so many people that love you even though when you are down in the darkness you feel in your head that is not true.  That being said...

Private Battles

Lost in the darkness void of any light

Giving up with no more will to fight

Drowning in dry fallen tears

Succumbing to my failures and darkest fears

Every glimpse of healing turns to excruciating pain

Vicious cycle starting over and over again

Wanting to scream but nothing comes out when I shout

Desperately digging a hole to get out 

Going further and further down

Until it feels like there is nobody around

I down here no where to go and just stuck

With nothing left to do except let out the loudest....

Scars visible and invisible leave an everlasting impression 

I was a prisoner of depression.

Constantly walking on egg shell after egg shell

Trying to drag me out of own personal hell

Never sure what to ask or say 

Afraid to ask how is my day 

Wiling to help when given the choice

But first I have to ask with my own voice

Constantly reminding me I am not alone

And can always be reached by phone

Promising to never leave my side

Always willing to lend a shoulder when I cried

Scars visible and invisible leave an everlasting impression 

They are the victims of depression.

Feel better after expressing myself with paper and pen

Raw and emotionally open

Now when I feel down I know I can look up

Half full or empty I am eternally grateful just for the cup

Putting this down is emotionally hard

Sharing the painful past if only a shard

Telling my story to hopefully inspire

Kill the darkness with an emotional healing fire

I know deep down the journey is never done

But the private battles were won

Scars visible and invisible leave an everlasting impression 

I am a survivor of depression.

End.

The Left or Right Shop - Chapter 1 Alice

Alice

Chapter 1

Alice sat on her bed.  The clock changed to past 1:00 A.M. on her phone.  She has no work tomorrow, but that wouldn’t matter anyways.  She hasn’t really slept for over a few weeks now.  Every night the same.  Staying up late watching whatever garbage is on the TV, and at the same time scrolling through her Facebook and Instagram.  Pictures abound of her friends getting married, having kids, just in general being happy.  She knows that a picture only captures the happiness of that moment, but she is beyond depressed at the moment.  She doesn’t even have the glimpse of happiness to post a simple selfie.  She comments on her friend’s pics, likes them, sends them love, all the things friends do on each other social media’s pages.  Tears start to form in her eyes, she used to be happy a few weeks ago, until the results came in.

               

It was three weeks ago, when Alice’s whole life came crumbling down.  She wasn’t feeling well, and she was late, and she was worried.  Michael was her boyfriend at the time and they had been dating for 4 months, and everything was going so well.  They were that happy couple all over social media.  The kind where the girl is showered with monthly gifts, and weekly flowers.  The kind of couple that most girls dream of, and the boys fear they don’t end up in.  The keywords in those last few sentences are “was” and “at the time”, because ever since that night he had never come back. 

                It was a Tuesday and Alice just had to know what was going on.  She feared the worst, that she was pregnant.  She wasn’t ready for that and knew for a fact that Michael wasn’t ready either.  She left work early and went to the store furthest from her home, so she wouldn’t be recognized or questioned why she was buying pregnancy tests.  She stood in front of the selection of tests.  So many choices.  She looked at the prices and determined that the cheapest ones were probably the worst, but would also feel horrible if she spent a lot of money to confirm her fear.  She opted for the medium ranged priced one.  Instead of one, she grabbed three.  Just to make sure of the results.  She grabbed them and ran towards the self-checkout, because she was way to embarrassed to place those on the conveyor belt and have a complete stranger judging her for being so young, and so careless at the same time.  She stood in line fighting back tears, just numb to the situation at hand.  Hiding her purchases from spying onlookers, if you looked closely at her she almost looked like she was standing in line contemplating shoplifting the items she was in line to pay for at the time.

                When she got home she had to get up the strength to go into the bathroom and pee on that stick.  The stick that has the power to forever alter her life, and Michael’s as well.  Since she knew for a fact that she wasn’t the Virgin Mary and it takes to make a baby.  She said a prayer and went into the bathroom.  Alice followed the directions and then just sat on the toilet staring at her phone, watching time tick by which seemed for hours.  It was the longest 60 seconds of her life.  Then the results showed, and then the tears formed. F$$#ing blue.  She was pregnant.  Tears started to fall like Niagra Falls, her life flashing before her eyes.  All her dreams that she had started to fade away and being replaced with her being a mom.  Alice wanted to be a mother, but in the future not NOW.  She took the other two tests as well.  They all showed the same result.  She then got out her phone and texted Michael the most dreaded text message, “Can you come over after work?  We need to talk”, and hit send.

                Michael came over after work and she was just sitting on her couch with the three tests mocking her on the coffee table.  The three results that had forever changed her life.  Michael looked at Alice and saw she had been crying.  “Babe, what’s wrong?”, he asked.

                Alice unable to find the words just handed Michael the tests.  He looked at her the tears starting to form in her eyes once again, and the test.  He remembers seeing his sister’s test when she was pregnant with is nephew, and it looked exactly like this.  Alice was pregnant, and she was pregnant with his child.  He knew they both weren’t ready for this.  He didn’t say any words, he just placed the test on the table, and left.  Without saying a word.  Alice just sat on her couch in complete shock feeling the definition of alone.  She wasn’t being alone, she WAS alone.  She IS alone.  Her phone vibrated.  It was Michael.  “I need time to think” The next day he was done thinking and said they were over.  When he picked up his stuff they didn’t even hug goodbye, in fact very few words were spoken between the two.  She was angry and scared, but didn’t want to show him that, and Michael was scared as well and hated himself for the way he was reacting. He became the asshole guy that he hated, but he wasn’t ready to be a dad.  He took the selfish and coward way out.  Michael tried desperately to muster up the courage to ask Alice if she was gong to keep the baby, but he chickened out and only said “Goodbye”.  Those were the last words that Alice ever heard from Michael.

                When Michael left Alice knew what she was going to do, and she hated herself for it.  She wasn’t ready to be a mom, and she didn’t tell any of her family or friends about what happened.  She just told everyone that her and Michael decided they weren’t right for each other and parted amicably.  No hard feelings.  Truth is she lied to everyone of their faces.  She felt nothing but pain.  She drove to the clinic and broke down in the parking lot.  At that moment there is a baby growing inside of her, but when she gets back it will no longer be there, and the hardest thing is won’t tell anybody.  She might tell Michael about her decision, but she can figure that part later, after her appointment.  She wipes her tears, and steps through the doors.  Looking around she sees a few single women, some with their what she assumed their mothers, and very few with their significant others. 

                Alice walked up to the receptionist and checked in, and sat down hoping to be too numb to cry in front of these strangers who are in the same situation she is in.   Part of her wanted to scream at the top of lungs and run out that door.  But she hid her pain, just like all the other girls sitting in that waiting room.  She zoned out and didn’t her name being called out.  The nurse came out, “Alice.”  A few seconds later. “Alice.”  A few more seconds passed.  “Alice”, the nurse said one last time with a little disdain in her voice.  Alice stood up reluctantly, and followed her through the doors.  Saying goodbye and sorry at the same time to the baby that was growing inside of her.

                It only took an hour, but if felt like eternity.  When she got back to her car, she cried some more.  Not sure if it was tears of pain, or relief.  More than likely a strong mixture of both.  She hated herself for thinking that.  She felt selfish that she was thinking sorry for herself, and not the child that she just corrected.  The baby was a mistake, and women do this every day.  She shouldn’t feel sorry for herself, or the baby.  She wasn’t ready to be mom, and the child is better off not coming into this world when she isn’t ready to be a mom.  At least that’s what she kept repeating to herself out loud on the drive home.  Trying to convince herself that she did the right thing.  If she did or didn’t, truth is it’s too late if isn’t.  That’s when she pulls over to the nearest parking lot, and just cries in her car for over an hour.

                She got home and texted Michael, “I didn’t keep it.”  Looking at the word it she becomes sickened with herself.  Her baby wasn’t an it, it was a baby.  She erased the word “IT” and wrote “the baby”.  And hit send.  He never responded.  And still hasn’t till this day.

                She still hasn’t unfriended him on Facebook so his stuff occasionally shows up on her feed.  He doesn’t have a new girlfriend, but he can at least fake a smile, or who knows he might be genuinely happy.  She hated him for that.  While she is sitting in her bed alone, crying herself to sleep every night for the last few weeks, he has been out with the boys.  Like nothing happened.  Like she doesn’t exist.  Like he left his girlfriend with the most difficult decision to make of her life, by herself.  She hated him with her whole heart.  She picked up the picture that still sat on her night stand.  It was of them sitting on the beach.  With her in his arms.  He whispered to her that day that he loved her and would never leave her. No matter what.  Alice now knew that was a load of BS.  She looked at it one last time, and threw it will all the pain and hurt in her heart towards the wall.  The frame exploding on impact.  Glass shattering and flying everywhere in her room.  She wants to go clean up the mess, and barefoot.  So if she stepped on the glass she would fell the pain as the glass shards went into her feet.  Anything to feel again.  She turned over in her bed, and cried herself to bed once again.  Just as she has for the last few weeks.  Like nothing has changed.

The Left or Right Shop - Prologue

The Left or Right Shop

By Dane Miller

Charlie Brown: “We only live once Snoopy.”

Snoopy: “Wrong, we only die once. We live every day!”

Peanuts meme

Prologue:

                We all have the thoughts of what would happen if I did something different. If I had the courage to kiss my dream girl, go to college for my dream job, took the left turn and not that right.  Our lives are filled with so many decisions and moments, some minuscule and some epic ones.  The funny thing is no matter the impact you think they currently have, all of those choices have built your life into what it is today.  Some choices keep many people up at night contemplating their present, and sometimes their future based on the decision they made in the past.  These are the types of people for whom this shop was created for.  The day dreamers, the constantly asking what iffer’s of the world, or just those we might question if they should of went left in their life, vs taking the easy road and going right.

My name is not important, the reason being it always changes.  I am never actually the same person twice.  I am whoever the shop or the shopper needs me to be.  Some days it might be an old Chinese man named Wang who hobbles around on an old wooden cane, very similar to the one in the movie Gremlins.  Others time I might take the form of one would say a fairy godmother complete with big poofy dress, wings, and of course the magic wand.  I have taken so many different forms over the years I have honestly stopped looking in the mirror, because nothing every surprised me anymore.  I take that back, the one time when the customer came in and asked why was there a duck running the shop, I had to look.  And sure as can be, a talking, strike that, a SWEARING duck was staring back at me. 

                The important characters rotate throughout this book, because it’s a book about their experiences.  Their left and right choices that they have made through their life.    The only constant character in this story is the shop, the Left or Right shop.  I’m not sure how it works, or honestly how I got to managing such a place.  The shop doesn’t remain in business in one spot for long, in fact it almost just appears out of thin air, in the most random of places.  I can only liken it the Needful Things shop out of that Stephen King book that Charles said when he came in.  I myself have never read the book, or seen the movie which I heard was made later, but Gwen said it was good.  If you are thinking to yourself who are Charles and Gwen, don’t worry they are not important to this story.  I am going to tell you the tales of 8 different customers and their experiences after visiting this quant establishment. 

                I am not a wizard, warlock, witch, and not even a genie.  I am just like you a person.  A person who has been chosen to man a fanstatstical shop one full of dreams and wonders.  Enough about me, on to the shop.  The shop always looks the same no matter where it appears, the only thing changing really is the minor updates it makes to itself to look like it can be barely operational.   The store front has a window that says “The Left or Right Shop”, accented by two arrows below it.  There is always at least one cobweb in the window, no matter how many times I think I have cleaned it.  The shelfs are filled with nothing of importance, a jar here, a random title less book there, and a broken rocking chair in the corner.  Sometimes it might be a rocking horse if the customer is focusing on their childhood when they walk through the doors.  And in the front of the store sits me in whatever form I have taken shape that day manning a run down, push button cash register that you only see in old movies, or in run down pawn shops. 

                The image of the shop is not important though such as I am not important.  What is important is the magic that the shop creates, and the customers that walk through that door. That alone helps shape their trip into the shop.  I say trip because the only way to describe what happens after setting foot into the shop, is a journey.  Here Is a breakdown of a general customer visit.  They walk in to the door, and hear the classic bell ring above the door.  They look around the shop and see what their soul needs to see.  A wedding dress falling apart hanging up in the occasional closet if they are seeking love, a broken down rocking horse with a missing ear if they are thinking about their childhood, or even a faded pictures framed just right in barely held together picture frames as they concentrate on loved ones who have passed. They walk up to the counter in curiosity, usually asking the same question. WHAT THE HELL is this place and where did it come from!?  I smile a smile, some might say sinister, I myself would call it innocent, and say as if it’s the most normal thing I have ever said, “This my friend is the Left or Right Shop.  We are here because of people.  People who stay up at night contemplating their choices, their decisions.  If they made the right one going right or if they should of went left.”  It’s at this time that the customers jaw has hit the floor in disbelief and I continue.

                I call them by name, which usually makes them ask if they are some hidden prank camera show.  I assure them always no you are not.  I ask them if they have a thought on their mind.  If they are brave enough they spill their guts, because what does it matter if a strange old man who runs a strange old shop knows that you are up at night wondering if you should kissed your high school sweetheart ten years ago.  It’s not like he knows anyone you know, who is he actually going to tell.  That’s when I ask you a simple question.  Would you like to change that moment in your life?  You think to yourself for a second pondering what would happen differently because of it, and curiosity gets the best of you, and you say yes.  You are not sure why you have just spilled your deepest darkest secrets but being here feels safe, and you are not wrong.  

Winter Tears

Winter Tears

If I wrote this poem with pen and paper

Tears would fall

Smearing the ink

Making letters and words incoherent and hard to read

Becoming my thoughts as I lie awake in the dark

Afraid to stop and think

Calmness brings emotion

Emotions bring winter tears...

It was mid November, a week before Thanksgiving

Facebook memories can really suck

Reminding you a year ago is when it all started

Asking friends and family for prayers

Nobody asking why 

But you remember

And will never forget

Emotions bring winter tears...

One less seating at the table 

Your voice and smile no longer around

Holidays are hard when you lose a loved one

Illusions of happiness 

Around a broken family

Sadness hovering over us like a black cloud

Forming bigger and bigger in anticipation of a storm

Emotions bring winter tears...

Every hug I now give is a little bit tighter and longer

Since you can't be here to hug them back

Saying I love you is a little louder

For the same reason

Everyone tells you to think of the good memories

And don't worry he's looking down on you right now

Doesn't fight the sadness

Emotions bring winter tears...

It's almost been a year 

Since I hugged you 

Said I loved you 

And played our song 

One last time

Eyes watering at the start of the song

Every time I hear it

Emotions bring winter tears...

The Masks We Wear

The masks we wear

How does one define the word mask

A partial cover for the face used for disguise

Masks can hide so many things

Bring out something else in others

Sometimes they are a reflection of how we really feel inside

Blood stained lips

Scar enveloped face

Boils and warts protruding all over

Grotesque and terrifying are the only words that come to mind

The children squeal with glee

As they say trick or treat

Some wear masks

So the human can become a monster

Mascara wand hits the lashes

Scarlet kissable lips

Perfectly shadowed eyelids

Rosy peach colored cheeks

A spritz of the perfume and brushing of the hair

A smile that could melt hearts

Some wear masks

To emphasize their true beauty

Cold emotionless eyes

A smile that no one should trust

But everyone does

Lies and empty promises roll off their tongue

Reasons why we fear our neighbor

And trust so little of people

Some wear masks

So the monster can appear to be human

Tears falling from their soul

Smiles that cover so much pain

Day in and day out refusing to quit

Saying we are fine and ok

As if trying to convince ourselves

And no one else

Some wear masks

To appear strong when all they feel is weak

We all have our own masks that we wear

Hoping they don’t become our actual face

Journey

Journeys

Defined as an act of traveling from one place to another

In reality, it so much deeper than that

They can take days, months, years

Even lifetimes

Weird for such a complex word

To be explained in such simple words

How can we define a word

When we ourselves our defined by our 

Journeys

They can be taken with others

Walking side by side 

Sometimes carrying ones who hurt

And other time you yourself

Will be carried

Happiness and joy 

When with others

Sadness and pain 

When the footsteps walk the other way

Or even worse 

Existing only in our hearts and souls

There are millions of reasons why we go on journeys

Choices we make ourselves

To make us stronger 

A better person

Happy and sad circumstances 

Forcing fates hand

Giving us millions of moments

Other times 

Robbing us of memories 

We will never experience

Everyone's journey is different

There is a different God's plan for everybody 

We are consonantly weaving in and out of other's stories

Hopefully for the good and to inspire

Sometimes sadly to hurt and cause pain 

World constantly judges all

Not realizing the demons we face 

Day in and day out

Personal battles we have fought inside 

Some won 

Some lost

Obstacles we have overcome 

Or failures so bad 

We quit

Step by step 

Tear by tear, smile by smile

We must go on in our journey 

Seeking the true definition of journey 

Change within ourselves

Without that change

You are just traveling one place to another 

  

Monster

Scratching behind my closet door

Snarls from underneath my bed

Red glowing eyes reflected in the mirror

Figures running by my night light

Shadowed creatures dancing on my wall

Hunting me on hind legs

I'm so scared 

Want to hug my teddy 

And feel safe

He's nowhere to be found

Bury my eyes in the covers

Closing my eyes

Crying silently 

Don't want the monsters to hear

Hiding under his dark bed

Listening to him cry

Fear only makes them tastier

Under the covers

Slowly cooking himself

Can already feel his tears

Quenching my thirst

Must be quiet this time

Was almost caught in the past

Remember cover his mouth 

So he can't scream for help

Time to change back.

Must be brave 

Brave like teddy tells me 

When he wipes away my tears

I need to find him

So the monsters don't eat him too 

Throw my pillow to the closet

That's where I last heard a sound

Reach down while the monsters are distracted

Feel his brown fur

I found teddy 

Now I will be safe

He will protect me 

I hug him tight 

Praying to make it through the night

I feel his arms around me

Hugging me tight

I start to whisper in a sweet voice

I'll protect you and you are safe

I feel his lips kiss my forehead

And telling me thank you 

This is too easy 

Easily devour him 

Can't hold my hunger for much longer

I will just wait for him to close his eyes

Than I will feast...

Hollywood Moments! Part 1

We sit in the darkness of the theater, debating to start eating our overpriced snacks.  The soda filled 3/4 of the top with ice so they don't give you too much soda.  Playing the should I go to the bathroom game before the movie starts game in our heads.  Or maybe you are snuggled on the couch, or in your bed next to your loved one cozy fighting off the inevitable nodding off to sleep, and then denying till the cows come home you weren't snoring or sleeping, but looking at the screen you don't remember that character ever showing up. We watch movies to escape, and see things that don't happen in our lives, but truth is everything we watch on the big screen happens in an essence in our lives.  I know what your thinking; you don't remember fighting space aliens, having a masked killer try to stab you in the closet, or remember singing songs about ANYTHING and having animals sing and talk to you during the chorus.  Those exact scenes we hopefully never have to live through, but each and every day the aspects of those events happen everyday!

Just like a movie crew we also have a full credits of our lives.  Our main characters are ourselves and the family and friends who stick by our side no matter what. The supporting characters of our lives the people who we meet in our lives and have a huge impact on our lives at one time, but one for reason or the other, they no longer show up. They teach us their lesson and play their role and move on. Then we have the extras.  The random people we meet while living.  People we went to school with, co workers that we barely worked with, or the random friendly person who strikes up a conversation. I am not saying that the extras aren't important in our lives, because I truly believe in my heart that every person we meet in our lives, is because the Director has put them in our paths. Now this is where I'm about to blow your minds, because we play all those roles simultaneously throughout our lives but not in our moves, but others.  We might see ourselves as  a hero in our story, but in someone else's you are straight up the villain. And the only way we can change our roles in any movie we are starring in, guest starring in, or just walking though is by being the best we can be.

A movie is not just the actors though. An actor is nothing without a great director, writer, and producer to help bring them the project to be in. To start off we have many jobs on the movie set that is our lives. Let's break down the roles real quick. The first and foremost behind the scenes role that we have no part in is the Director. We are not the Director, he is, God. He puts the people in our lives, helps coincidences happen, gives us strength when all we wanna do is give up, creates miracles where there is no more hope, and etc. Now this might piss some people off, but we are the writers of our movie. The director gives us the characters and we determine what we will do with them, but we don't write their lines, because they are the stars of their own movie. We are all interweaved into one giant movie, the movie that the Director is directing. As for the producer that is a role we share throughout our lives, starting off with our parents who helped support us when we were younger, than transitioning over to us as we get older, and if you are married then the title will be shared among the both of you. 

Now that we have the characters of our movie we have to get into the writing of the stories. The moments that make our movie memorable.  But that's for the sequel.

To Be Continued...

2.5 Years....

It's been 2.5 years since I've posted anything to my blog. I logged on today, and saw two drafts of blogs that have never been posted.  One was a poem about music, and the other is one that will never see the light of day.  The mystery of why the blog has been so void of new content is quite simple, I was afraid to write.  I know that might sound weird hearing a person who calls himself a writer, being afraid to pick up a pen, but it's true.  It's easy to write when you are in a constant battle with your inner demons, and not sure if your life will ever change.  Being stuck in a place and not feeling like you are never going any where is a lot of fuel to keep the ink flowing.  When you move on from that dark place, you are afraid to pick back up that pen in fear of going back to that same place, or even worse you find out the ink flowed so freely because it was the only way to deal with the internal pain.  So here's to show the world that I can write as good, or hopefully better now that I'm in a different place in my life. 

     Like I said it's 2.5 years since I actually sat down and wrote something to post.  My pen has been moving and have been writing, but 9/10 the only eyes that see those words are mine.  I entered a writing contest with two stories, but didn't get chosen to get them published.  I guess once again the rest of the world is not ready for the sense of humor, and or writing stylings of me.  If I could go back in time and chat with myself while writing another superhero poem, I have a feeling I would freak out.  One the huge change would be the facial hair my current self would be sporting, which in turn would make my past self think I am from the darkest timeline.  (Community Reference).  I would tell him a few things.  The first thing I would tell him is there is a light at the end of the Cheese tunnel.  At that time I felt like I would never leave, and all signs pointed to that happening.  I would tell myself hold on a little longer, and new opportunities will open up.  I would not tell him what, but I would tell him it's all for the best for everyone around you, family, friends, and most importantly yourself.  I would also tell him the people around you who you are talking to daily, will be become silent, but not to worry because there are people you haven't met yet, or people from the past will come back and fill that void that they will leave.  Life is funny that way, people come into our lives, have a huge impact, and then one day they are no longer there.  Don't be bitter they are gone, just remember the good times with them.  

     I would not give myself any hints of the journey I have taken to get to where I am today, because that journey has made me the person I am today.  Life is full of rough patches, and inner and outer battles that make us stronger when we are done. God's plan is funny that way.  If we pray for strength, God does not give us muscles, He gives us the chance to show how strong we truly are.  And in the past I did pray for strength, and He provided.  And that was when we weren't even talking as much as we do now.  I would tell myself thought that scouts would become a huge part in my life, and your son is actually going to enjoy going to it.  After my past self was done falling on the floor laughing,  I would look him in the face and say I wouldn't lie to myself, in the future you stop doing that!  

      I'm not sure where I wanted to go with the blog honestly, I just know I wanted to see if I could pick up a pen without my inner demons being the reason the ink is flowing.  I'll let you be the judge.  Super Mid Life will come out before I die, hopefully, but in the mean time Nightmares will come out before that.  A collection of the scary stories I have written in the past and ones I haven't written yet.  My blog won't be silent this year hopefully, I have so many more stories and poems to write.  And I promise they won't all be about clowns or superheroes.  

   

Heroes

Heroes

Wear a mask

Hiding their true identity

Protecting their friends and family

And themselves

Put on a cape

To find the strength

Get knocked down a hundred times

Standing up 101 times

Hiding their greatest fears

Even heroes know when to be scared

Constantly fighting the good fight

Cut them and they will bleed

Far from bulletproof

Hiding the scars from their inner battles

Wounds from the war

Haunted by the ghosts of the victims they were unable to save

Knees always buckling

From carrying the world on their shoulders

Saving the day after day, night and night

It's okay for heroes to cry

Villains walking around in real life

Most dangerous ones exist in our mind

Disguised as self doubt

Manifested in nightmares

Feeding on insecurities

Love is needed to survive

As much as oxygen and water

Superpowers coming from the soul

And deep within the heart

All heroes are human....

Giggles Part 1

      Duncan walked the halls of the Shady Acres Sanitarium.  He learned they called it that versus an insane asylum so it could help the patients recover faster, but everyone there knew it was just a fancy word for, the nut house.  Duncan has been there for twenty years to this day.  Duncan was first admitted after his tenth birthday after his brother Timothy was taken away by Duncan's one and only friend, Giggles.
       Duncan rocked back and forth in his room being hugged by the strait jacket.  Reminding him of his mother's warm embrace during the hugs he used to get.  Duncan will never forget the last time his mother hugged him.  It was his eighteenth birthday, and she came in one last time to beg him to finally tell the truth about what happened to Timothy.  Duncan answered always the same answer, "Mom, it wasn't me.  It was Giggles.  Giggles took Timothy.  Why won't you believe me!".
       His mother kissed him on the forehead and said one final, "goodbye:, barely holding back tears from leaving her incurable son.  Her heart breaking one more time in her life from losing another son.  Duncan wasn't given any time to answer back which left the last thought in him mind of abandonment.  A thought that bred anger, loathing, and bitterness.  Not the forgiveness and love that he so desperately craved.  Through out the years the other patients caught wind of why Duncan was in there and all knew they should stay away.  You don't mess with a guy who killed his brother blaming it on an imaginary clown friend.  That is a whole new level of insane.
       So most of the days Duncan just sits all alone by himself rocking back and forth talking to the chair in front of him.  John one of the orderlies at the sanitarium took it upon himself to try to connect with Duncan.  He was only human so there was no reason to be afraid.    It was mid afternoon on a Monday when John sat in Giggles seat. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING!  THAT'S GIGGLES SEAT!", Duncan screams at John.
       John fought back every urge to beat Duncan down for screaming at him and showing him such a lack of respect.  There was something deep within though holding back John's fists from becoming balled and launching towards Duncan.  It was his curiosity.  John wanted more than anything to hear the story of Giggles, and knew this might be his only chance.  "I'm sorry for sitting in Giggles seat Duncan.  Can you tell me who Giggles is?", John says in a calming voice.
        Duncan smiles.  He hasn't smiled since his tenth birthday really every smile after the day has been put in Shady Acres has been a medicated one, and not a natural one that had all the power over.  "He's my only friend and family", Duncan beams with joy.
         John noticed the instantaneous change in Duncan, but it didn't comfort him, it frightened him more than anything.  He would never admit that though.  He was a man on a mission.  A self decided one about finding out the truth.  "That's a funny name for a friend.  What does Giggles look like?  Can you draw me a picture Duncan,"  John almost said the word imaginary before the word friend, but he knew Duncan would then clam up and become silent once more.  Once again locking the mystery of Giggles deep within the only mind that knows he exists.
      Duncan looks around the room ,surveying if anyone is listening, or if this is a prank being played on him.  The last person that played a prank on him never did, because he disappeared that night and was never found.  "I can draw you a picture while I'm telling you the story of my best friend.", Duncan tells John.
       John thinks for a second how far down the rabbit hole he actually wants to go.  He once again lets his interest for the unknown shout louder than his brain.  Which was telling him to get the hell out of there.  "I can find you a piece of paper and some crayons probably.  No pencil or pen because they are sharp.  I hope you understand."
       Duncan nods, "Of course I understand.  Crayons are much safer for everyone around me.  John then gets up to go find some art supplies so he can finally have a visual of the monster that has haunted Duncan for so long.  John overhears Duncan talking to Giggles, "No you can't sit in the chair he will be back.  I don't know why he is talking to me.  Maybe he wants to be my friend."  John turns around expecting to see Duncan talking to the chair, but instead sees Duncan with is neck arched up talking as if someone very tall was standing next to the char he was sitting in.  A sight that sent shivers up his spine.  His gut warning him this was final last chance to run and never look back.
      John returns to find Duncan silent and not talking.  He thought that maybe he and Giggles had an argument and they are not talking to each other.  The second John thinks that thought he might as well lock himself up with all the other crazies, so he throws that stupid thought out of his mind.  John goes to hand the paper to Duncan and notices he has been crying.  "Are you ok Duncan?"
      Duncan picks up a black crayon and starts to draw an oval for a head,  "Giggles is mad at me for making a new friend.  He say's he is my only friend."
      John takes Duncan's hands both of them shaking in fear of angering his best friend Giggles.  John says comforting Duncan, "You tell Giggles I am your friend, and there is nothing he can do about it.  If he doesn't like that too bad!  Now please tell me your story buddy."
      Duncan looks up above John and puts his head back down to his drawing.  He looks up again once again over John's head and then back to his drawing.  This time drawing in bigger details.  Duncan looked up once more, and this time John turned around to see if he could see what Duncan was drawing but there was nothing.  Duncan then started his story, "It was my tenth birthday party when I met Giggles."

      Duncan could never believe he found the perfect hiding spot for Hide, and Go Seek.  It was Timothy's idea to play a giant game of it in the woods behind their house for Duncan's birthday party even though their parents forbid them to go in there in fear of them getting lost.  Duncan disobeyed all orders of his parents though as most ten year old boys do and found a house deep in the woods.  It looked like no lived there so it would be a perfect spot to hide and never be found Duncan thought to himself.  
      Duncan goes into the house, and immediately the smell of a dead rotting house assaults his nose.  He ignores the stench because he knew he could smell a stinky house for a few minutes if it meant finally being crowned Hide, and Go Seek Champion.  He finds the master bedroom of the house and spots a closet door in the back of the room.  He goes to the door and finds it empty and with enough room to sprall out and rest while he waits to emerge as the winner of their game.  
     Timothy did as most brothers and siblings do when playing games.  They cheat.  He watched Duncan go into that house and decided to play the ultimate prank on his brother.  Timothy convinced all his brothers friends not to go find him.  Some were reluctant at first, but he just bribed them with candy and they caved like most children do when sugar is brought into the situation.  Leaving Duncan in the house in the woods all alone for hours.
       After what felt like eternity to Duncan he started to worry that maybe he found too good of hiding spot for their game.  Starting to panic his asthma kicks in and begins to have trouble breathing.  Little gasps of air is all he could get in and not a healthy amount of oxygen.  His heart beating faster and faster as the thoughts of never being found were finally realized.  Then his ears started to play tricks on him.  First he heard the slow winding of  a toy.  Next the chattering of a teeth moving toward the closet he was hiding in.  Followed by a faint silly laughter.
      Duncan tried desperately to breathe quieter and quieter and not to make a sound, so whoever or whatever was out there wouldn't know he was in here.  Duncan wished there was a small hole he could peek out of to see what was in the room waiting for him, but he knew there wasn't much light.  For the sunlight that used to creep under the door opening stopped around thirty minutes ago which meant one thing.  It was night time.  
        "Ollie Ollie Oxenfree!", comes from within the room with a silly sing song voice.  Followed by a, "And a Happy Birthday Duncan!"
          Duncan leaped up thinking his brother finally found him.  Completely ignoring the fact that he was disguising his voice just to scare him even more.   Duncan rips open the door expecting to see Timothy standing there with the grin he always has on after he pulls a prank, but he was not there.  There was only what seemed to be two floating candles lit on a piece of a cake in a pitch black room.  The silly sing song voice then came back into the room, "Happy Birthday to you.  Happy Birthday to you.  Happy Birthday dear Duncan.  Happy Birthday to you!".  Duncan stood frozen in fear unable to retreat back to the closet even if he knew it would do him no good.  "Aren't you going to blow the candles out and make a wish", the silly voice asks. 
           "Who are you", Duncan barely stammers out.
          The silly voice happy obliges with answering, "I'm your new best friend, Giggles.  I came here to come get you because all your other so called friends and brothers just left you out here.  They all thought it would be funny if they left you out here, but I thought it was mean so I came here to find you."
         Duncan finally finds his bravery.  Not wanting to believe a word Giggles has said.  "Is that true Giggles", he asks.  
          Giggles smiles.  Duncan catches a small glimpse of a red lipsticked smile in the flicker of the candles still burning.  Giggles answers, "Sure is.  Watched it myself.  Now can you please blow your candles out and make a wish.  So I don't burn myself."
         Duncan looks around the room and sees no other light coming from anywhere else.  He was already afraid of the dark, but being in the dark with a Giggles makes me pee his pants just at the thought of it.  He attempts to trick his new friend, "But if I blow the candles out then there will be no light anymore.  And I'm afraid of the dark."
         Giggles laughs a comforting laugh, "I know that.  You want to know why because I'm your best friend remember!  I have an idea."  Giggles pulls out the lighter he used to light the candles and flicks it on as well.  Duncan then sees a little bit more of Giggles and notices he is wearing white gloves with tiny red stains.  "Now will you make a wish?"  
         Duncan takes a deep breath and blows out his candles.  "YAY!  Now you can open your present!", Giggles squeals.  Giggles hands Duncan a box and Duncan does what all kids do and rips open the package without a second thought.  Duncan notices more and more light coming into the room in the process of opening his present.  He looked down in his open box and realized why it was flashlight that was left on.  Giggles releases the switch on the lighter leaving the only light in the room being the flashlight.  
       Duncan picks up the flashlight and directs in the direction of Giggles voice revealing his strange savior.  Giggles was about six foot tall, bright red afro for hair, black and white face makeup, a giant red nose, and a lipsticked smile plastered on his face.  Duncan moved the flashlight over a little and saw him holding three balloons, and his right hand was out to reach for Duncan.  "Hello best friend!  Now I bet you wished you could go home didn't you!", Giggles squeaks out with his silly voice with his grin getting bigger and bigger.
         Duncan finally cracks a smile, followed by a short burst of tears, "YES!  I want to go home and hug my Mom and Dad.  But most important get my mean brother in big, BIG trouble!"
        Giggles eyes widen, and he honks his nose.  His grin growing even bigger as if somehow his mouth was growing more and more the longer he smiled.  "I'll get you home!  Why because it's what best friends do!  And as for your brother don't worry about him.  It's my job as your best friend to show him that you shouldn't be messed with.

                                                               TO BE CONTINUED 

Autopilot

Autopilot

Flying, stuck on this plane

Haunted by bullshit and underlying pain

Swallowing excuse after excuse 

Never-ending interpersonal abuse

Stare out the window capturing every detail of each cloud

Alone on this plane, no one else is around

Hearing my own voice over the Captain's speaker

Making a reality of my greatest fear

He's grown sick of my same #$@ different day

Adapting that mantra and accepting it as a mentality 

Expressing concern at a time we had dreams

Now I've given up, comfortable with just settling, it seems

Pissed off that all I do is #@$% around when given time

When I used to write stories and thoughts with words that rhyme

The door opens, watch myself grab a parachute and bail

Leaving me to burn in my own personal hell

Now my dreams have left I feel alone

All the blame is mine to own

Alone on this plane now I just sit there

Wondering if when the plane crashes will anyone care

I jump up ignoring the fasten your seat belt sign

Tired of hearing myself BS and whine

Running full speed at the locked pilot door

In the cockpit is my demons, my fears, and we are all going to war

I make it in and the window shows images of my life

Challenges, failures, success, children, family, friends, my beautiful wife

Pick up the mic and radio the tower

Praying I have the knowledge to get me out of this, the will power

Afraid there would be no voice on the other end

Instead the plane was filled with voices from family and every friend

All saying the same things

I NEVER needed a plane to fly, I was born with wings

Taking a moment I let that sink in

Feeling the healing within starting to begin

Taking a running start and smashing through the window

Proving to myself that I am more than a man, I am my own hero

Safely flying to the ground

Hugging my family and friends saying I love you all without making a sound

Looking up at the sky watching my autopiloted plane burst into flame

Realizing the truth after that journey I will never be the same

Writers block

Writer's Block

Black as night

Engulfed in silence

Headphones in 

Lyrics used to inspire words

Drums always started the flow of ink

Now there is nothing

Demons have finally shut up

Angels left long ago

No longer fighting with each other

Lifelong battle between the two is done

Ammo for so many stories

Basis of almost all poems 

Roots of all my ideas are now gone

Pick up a pen

Not a word is written

Doodles are made 

Letters not legible

Thoughts are now just straight and curved scratches

Blue and black nonsensical scars

On a blank white paper skin

Making sense to no one 

Not even myself

This has worked in the past

Poem after poem 

Story after story

Idea after idea

Helped me out of this rut

Now all I have is a desert of ideas

Barren thoughts

Mirages with no substance

Haunting my mind

Teasing the future

Books and books of great ideas

Just sitting on my desk

Completely afraid to touch them

Success scaring me as much as failure

Praying this works one more time

I was born to do this

Ink is in my blood

And I must get rid of this 

writer's block...  

May the force be with you

May the Force be with you

Years ago an idea came from a bearded man

With a billion dollar idea and a mullti year plan

Giving us a tale of about a galaxy long, long time ago

Creating characters we all love and we know

It was a story about a lost boy on a farm

A wise old man who kept him from harm

Posing a life long question of who actually shot first

When Han Solo and Greedo met in space bar to cure their thirst

Two droids who will always be best friends

Warning us is we don't let the wookie win we all now how it ends

Bringing us a robot voiced villain dressed all in black

Killing nameless crew members with a force choke attack

Influencing years of girls costumes of being a cinnamon roll hair bunned princess

Encouraging us all at least once to use the force to get out of a mess

In other movies we find even more characters we love with our heart

There are so many to name I'm not sure where to start

Yoda the green alien who taught us there is no try 

Teaching a very important life lesson to the Skywalker guy

Or maybe it was the bounty hunter who was gunning for Solo's head

The giant sloth named Jabba who wanted the captain of the falcon dead

Cuddly ewoks who looked like jungle clothed teddy bears

One eyed Dianoga's who live in the Death Star in it's trash lairs 

But not all characters were great sad to admit there are few that still stinks

Let us never forget Misa Jar Jar Binks

Deep down its a movie about the good and bad we all battle with

Our inner Jedi's conquering the evil Sith

So pick up a light saber red, purple, or blue

And may the force always be with you

Two poems....

I thought I would post two poems here for the price of one.  One I wrote a few weeks ago and just got down to posting in hand written form, and the other just came to me literally out of the blue!

Knockout

When life hits, it hits hard
Making us bleed, leaving scar after scar
Kicking us and punching us when we are down
Begging us to give up while we lay on the ground
Left hook. Right hook. Uppercut its all the same
As the blood flows we look who to blame
Becoming stronger we make it through the pain
Lessons in life is what we gain
Aches and thoughts run through the mind at night
Mentally preparing ourselves for the next fight