Sunday, September 28, 2014

Life....


Life...

We are born to live and then we die.
Trying to figure out one question in life, why?
We laugh, smile, become sad, and then cry.
Realizing every hello will become an inevitable goodbye.
Setting our goals unbelievably high.
Where results are made on how hard we try.
When we are done either going down below, or up to the sky.

We are the angels we display on the outside.
The demons and monsters we at all costs attempt to  hide.
Aiming for goals all the time, but shooting too wide.
What we do in our lives is how we will be judged when we have died.
Failure and success are as guaranteed as the shore being assaulted by the tide.
Love whoever has chosen to accompany you on this crazy ride.
Being tested constantly of our courage and our pride.

There is more to life than just work, we must not forget to play.
But who the hell am I to say.
We are our own persons at the end of the end of the day.
Choosing to live our lives in our own way.  

Thursday, September 18, 2014

I wrote a book...

Before you start reading I thought I'd warn you, that yes this will be a blog about writing a book.  If you are tired of hearing me talk about it, you will probably not want to read this, but give it a chance.  There is a reason why I can't stop talking about it, and I am so proud of what I have done.

Ever since I was a kid I always wrote and had an active imagination.  Hell, I still do!  I would sit in front of my computer at 11:00 at night the night before any paper was due with only about three paragraphs written.  With my music blaring on one side Bon Jovi, Limp Bizkit and Eminem as I got older, and my mother on the other ear asking me why did I always wait for the last minute.  I now found out why.  Pressure brings out the greatest in all of us, don't believe me, ask a diamond what it was before it was tested.

I would complain the whole time and my mom would leave leaving me with my music and my words.  Two hours later I would have a five page report written and edited ready to turn in, and sometimes it even took less time than that.  My mom hated that, and envied that, and still talks about it to this day.  I still use that same model whenever I write.  Music and writing go hand in hand with me at least.  Always have and always will.

Flash forward to High School where my creative writing really took shape.  I wrote a story about a friend who was possessed by his best friend by wearing the same jacket (it was dark), my creative writing class which I loved where I really learned to express my emotions, and video tech.  Where we wrote, acted, and filmed our own videos that's when I realized I want to do something along those lines, so I went to ITT Tech and the itch got itchier.

During my time at ITT I dated my ex and was miserable inside and out, but I ignored all of those feelings, or I thought I did.  I started writing a book or screenplay called Confessions of A Teenage Boy who attempts suicide but fails.  He loses all of his memories and relearns about his life, and sees where he went wrong.  Once again a dark tale, and made my mom worry.  It made me worry too.  I never finished it, but I used the premise for my movie trailer I did.

The point is I have tons of unfinished products novel ideas, cartoon ideas, movie ideas, a quarter of a screenplay written (NFS Tech) which I still laugh at to this day, and four comic book scripts.  But not a one single finished product.  My wife said to me you have a lot of great ideas, but that is all they are, ideas.  And I stopped writing for a while.  Then my blog came about, and then the poetry came back.  And I found a reason to pick up a pen again. The ink was back.

I turned thirty and it was a rough year for me.  If you don't know I'm adopted, and I've always wondered why I was.  I know I am loved and raised by a wonderful family, and I couldn't be happier where I ended up.  But I could never shake the reason why.  Why was I given up on?  Who were the people who created me, but didn't want me?  So I made a plan to find out who my birth parents were for myself. as a present to myself.  I would drive by the health and welfare building everyday on the way to work and always tell myself tomorrow I will stop/  On my day off I will stop.  I will unravel this mystery.  But I never did.

I picked up my script again and started reading it.  Defender is about a boy who is adopted and beat up on the daily, and he finds out he is a superhero.  His birth dad is a superhero and his mom was a supervillian.  I had four scripts done, but no artist.  I re read them, and I a light bulb came on.  This is my story.  I adapted it a little and changed a little around here and there when making it into my novel.  Instead of him getting his powers at the age of eight, he get's them at the age of thirty.  He works at a chuck e cheese place, and is addicted to DB coffee.  Yes I'm Topher.  But they say you write about what you know and I've worked at CEC for ten years, and been a superhero for my whole life so what do you expect.

The story evolved into so much more.  It became written therapy.  I said things in this book which have been on my mind for way to long with no way to express them really.  What I have Topher ask his mother and father why he was given up are the exact words I would ask.  I cried after I wrote that part, and literally had to take a break.  The best thing about writing your own story in your own world is that you can give yourself the ending you want.  But I stopped writing for a while, and to be completely honest with you, unsure if I was going to pick it up again.

I would hide from my book in my poetry, blame life was being well life, or use any excuse in the book.  The truth is I wasn't ready to finish my book yet, because the shit had not hit the fan yet.  Over the last few years it has been harder and harder to accept the fact that I have failed having two degrees and being a manager at the Cheese.  I was not destined to be that kind of guy, and only a part of me knew that.  The last year has not been the same.  Too many great people have left, some no longer keep in touch, and too many things and people have changed.  And being F###ed over consistently is the greatest reason to pick up a pen again.  And I did.

I had to prove to the one person in the world who thought I would never finish my book.  That one person being me.  Everyone else thought I could do it, but a part of me knew it never would.  I knew deep down I couldn't look at my kids and tell them to go for them dreams, if I never did.  So I spent as much time as I could writing like a madmen.  Thinking like a madmen while at work.  Piecing each piece together one by one.  Until yes I got to write the words to be continued and finish my book.  Proving to the one person who thought I never would.  I F***ing did it!

This is not the end though.  I already have my next book planned out, and the next two in the SuperMidLife series, as well as a different kind of princess story.  I am never putting down my pen again, because I know God has putting ink in my blood and given me the gift of writing to share with the world ideas that they might have, but are to afraid or unsure how to express them.  So thank you for being there and supporting me when I wasn't able to do it for myself.  And know that this is not the end, but only the beginning.

Monday, September 1, 2014

Self destruct...


Self Destruct

The short fuse has been lit.
Day in and day out same bullshit.
Begging the world to say yes.
Always showing its worst when I only give my best.
What doesn't kill us only makes us strong.
We all tire of hearing that same old song.
People all around whispering, wondering if I'm going to lose it.
Truth is I'm closer than I want to admit.
Counting down from ten to one.
The countdown to explosion has once again begun.
Bystanders run from being affected by the impending boom.
Then come back running when shit goes flying across the room.
Tears and rage I bottle up and hide.
Keeping my true emotions deep inside.
Another phone call or text seems to always bring bad news.
Praying to win, but seem to always lose.
Trying so hard to squelch this rage.
With every word I write on this page.
Wishing I could just walk away.
While the world whispers, asking once again to save the day.
Knowing deep down it is what heroes always do.
They stay and fight for all that is true.
It's hit zero and I'm about to blow.
Damage all contained inside so nobody will know.
Close my eyes and think of my happy place.
Picturing each friend, and family loved one face.
Knowing in my heart I was born for so much more.
This is God's way of testing me and making me strong what He has in store.
The bomb has gone off and there is no fire or smoke.
Laugh and I smile and hide my pain with a joke.
Time ticking until the fuse it lit again.
Dreading it to begin and wishing it to end.

Wednesday, July 23, 2014

Family...

Family
Throughout our lives we meet people who bring out the best in us.
The ones who enrich us before we all are loading on the big blue bus.
Many of them the blood, name, or relation are the same.
Most of them we meet while playing along in the life game.

Your kid's friends fathers and mothers.
Becoming fellow sisters and brothers.
Teachers who teach children about 1,2,3 and A,B,C.
Hold a special place in the heart for me.

Coworkers and fellow managers become friends by the end of the day.
Even if it's against everything corporate has to say.
Constantly telling myself not to get to close because they always leave.
But I was always forget that and they do, and deep down I hide how much I truly do grieve.

They are the friends you meet back in college and high school.
Ones who always thought you were cool.
Also the ones who found out later on that didn't matter.
And further down the road the wall that separated you both help shatter.

All these people and so much many more I can always count on to lift.
Knowing they will always be there I help life the heavy...
The people that hold a special place in our heart.
That God has destined you to meet from the very start.

You are all more than friends you are a part of my family.
We all have a big or small step in building a stronger, better, smarter you and me.
From the deepest part of my soul and heart I wanted to say thank you.
And to the other members I have yet to meet welcome to the family and thank you too!

Thursday, July 3, 2014

The Sky


Look up and tell me what you see.
Do you notice the birds soaring without a care so free.
Or does your mind dive in deep thoughts as deep as the sea.
Searching for hopes, dreams, or hints of our destiny.
Guidance on becoming who we were born to be.

Their is beauty in the blue of the day and the black of night.
Constantly asking if the whole world thinks we are wrong, we might actually be right.
Giving the battleground for the sun and moon to finally fight.
Wanting to go up in the clouds but too afraid of the height.
Can't help of everything you have to get down and write.

If you are lucky you might catch sight of a shooting star.
Off in the distance, it doesn't seem to far.
Asking for strength and the will power to heal from a scar.
We all have dreams and wishes doesn't matter who you are.

The sky holds many secrets that it will never tell.
It is the gateway to heaven, and the fence for hell.
Always on the lookout for angels that have fell.
Some land in our laps, and others we ignore even when they yell.
And some sadly are to afraid to come out of their shell.

Everyday I look to the sky.
For guidance on becoming the guy.
Praying to be high enough in the world without needing to fly.
It has witnessed every smile and every cry.
Every success and failure every time I found the courage to try.
And will every day until the day we die.


Wednesday, June 11, 2014

Climb



Pull up in your car.
You stop and look up.
See the top of the mountain.
Doubt kicks in telling you it's too high.
The heart disagrees and knows you can.
Step out of your car and plug yourself into the zone.
Guitars blaring.
Drums beating.
Lyrics being thrown left and right.
Getting you into the zone.
One day.
One page.
One step at a time.

The journey starts.
Admiring the beauty.
Lizards crawling.
Butterflys fluttering.
The chirping of birds.
Constantly looking back to see how far you've gone.
And then forward to see how much you have left.
You can see the top.
But still unsure if you will make it there.
You are not alone on your quest.
People passing you going up and heading back down.
Some are friendly so you wave.
Most wave back.
A few ignore.
Fellow people of all different sizes and shapes.
Running, jogging, and walking.
All with the same goal.
Getting to the top.
One day.
One page.
One step at a time.

You are almost at the top.
Look up at the mountain and see the ledge.
The cliff that tells the world you made it.
Where you can over everything you accomplished and scream.
I did it.
Say thank you to all who supported you.
Or throw a middle finger up to those who laughed at you.
Mocked you.
Ridiculed you.
You are so close and fatigue kicks in.
You mind telling you have come far enough.
You have nothing else to prove.
Just be proud you came this far.
Most people never make it this close.
You're tired its ok to go home.
Contemplate for a moment.
Your soul finally speaks up.
Get your ass in gear and reach the top.
You have higher mountains to climb.
One day.
One page. 
One step at a time.

You made it.
Looking over the world.
Seeing where you have started.
Realizing how far you have traveled.
You want to scream I did it.
But you don't.
You respect the moment.
Enjoy the silence.
The peace that encompasses the scenery.
Knowing that we all have mountains to climb.
Big and small.
Take a mental image.
This is only the beginning.
Look behind you.
There are bigger mountains to climb.
And you will.
One day.
One page.
One step at at time...

Monday, May 19, 2014

Open Mic



Open Mic

This is me with an open mic.
Bound to say things that people won't like.
But a lot of stuff has happened and I have been quiet.
While the inside of me enforcing a riot.
I've fucked up things so left there is no need to go right.
My mind is always in a never ending fight.
The voices and demons in my head have grown.
They have become full fledged monsters that that world has never known.
Afraid to face my biggest fear.
That I have been spending all my time writing a story the world doesn't want to hear.
Trying to live live life with every ounce of good.
Not speaking up when I know I should.
Constantly being knocked down to the ground.
Getting up, dusting myself, and going on with my day without a sound.
Struggling day after day trying to keep up a secret identity.
Never stop finding out the lies and truths of me.
Praying that the angels have not walked away.
Desperately looking for any sign that they did stay.
Constantly looking for reminders that I'm on the right track of the plan.
Determined to grow up and be the best man.
Having a head full of dreams.
Is not what it always seems.
Always aiming higher than anyone else's sights.
Even though you are deathly afraid of heights.
Hater's will hate and talk shit behind your back.
It's only because they are afraid of a full frontal attack.
When you are fulling running your A game.
Life will always change and never stay the same.
At night afraid to close my eyes.
So the monsters in my head can continue their lies.
Petrified to actually go to sleep.
So their claw will cut, and they will cut deep.
Only to wake up the next day.
To have the exact same battle, in the exact same way.